How to Speak Up and Finally Get What You Want: Confidence Strategies for Women

Hey there and welcome back to the show.

I'm so excited.

I have a guest on.

She is a communication expert and she is going to help us finally get what we want by telling us a couple simple steps to speak up with confidence.

Cannot wait for this conversation and you will be able to apply this information both to your personal and your professional life.

Have you ever imagined building a life you love but got stuck in between the what ifs, expectations and obligations in your life?

Welcome to Building a life you Love, the podcast dedicated to helping you step into a life where your passion blossoms from within, your faith deepens, and simplicity becomes your favorite synonym for everyday life.

Hi, I'm your host, Kristin, an encourager, a faith led entrepreneur, a mom and a wife.

Join me each week as we dive into creating positive habits, stepping out of your comfort zone, making space for meaningful work and relationships.

I'm going to bring you practical tips, uplifting conversations and expert guidance that you can use.

So why wait?

Step off the path of expectations and into a space that feels genuinely yours.

Subscribe now to Building a life you love and let's begin this transformative journey together towards joy, peace and purpose.

Hi.

Today on the show, I would like to welcome Karen Laus.

She is a communication expert and a confidence cultivator and she has worked with women in leadership for many years.

She has been on the stages of Google and NASA and she helps women understand how to be an influential communicator in their lives.

I cannot wait to have this conversation with Karen because I think she's going to inspire you to ask for what you want and to really trust your own voice.

So I want to welcome her today.

Welcome, Karen.

Hello.

Great to be here.

Oh, I'm so glad you're with us today.

What I would love to first do is have you share with the listeners a little bit about your journey.

Tell us what's happened and how did you end up doing what you're doing now.

Sure.

Well, I always like to say I'm a follower of dreams and that was very true with where I live now.

I'm originally from Minneapolis, but I always had a dream to live in San Francisco, so I landed here and never left back in the mid-90s.

And I also always had a dream to own my own business and that's where I am now too.

But diving a little bit deeper and getting into a little bit more of the personal component, I wanted to share that from my home life perspective.

I grew up where I had a very traditional home life.

My dad was the one who called the shots in the household.

He is the one who we looked to for the authority, for the one to tell us what to do, and even my mom.

So what I learned from that is that you look to someone else who's either older than you or an authority figure and usually a man to.

To give you direction.

But at the same time, I had this.

My.

My dad, the same dad that taught me how to ask for what you want, and the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

And I still remember going to a flea market with him when I was only six years old, and he gave me a few dollars, and he said, go have fun, but never pay full price.

And I had no idea that you could negotiate.

So that's when my love for the deal was born.

And I have been really enjoying that aspect of what I learned as a kid.

That's my entire career.

So I'm very grateful that he taught me that.

But I also had the mixed message of, well, as a woman, your voice doesn't really matter.

So this was really a tough thing to navigate because what I learned from my dad is that, well, when you're adding value to someone, when you're producing something, then you can be confident and you can ask, but if it's just related to you as a person then, and your own actual ideas that are simply because of who you are, then that is where I don't.

Didn't have as much confidence.

So I'm super grateful for a defining moment that I had in a boardroom at a company where I was working for many, many years.

And I couldn't get the words out because I didn't fully agree with what my boss had asked me to present.

But I thought I needed to do it because it was my boss and she had to shut down the meeting.

And she did it in the most gracious, wonderful way.

But she said, hey, why don't we table this and do it another time?

And then she pulled me aside and said, this is a great example where you didn't trust yourself.

And that was very powerful.

And I was so embarrassed, so embarrassed, because I was not young.

This was definitely after 40.

And it was mortifying to me.

So that's really when I put that stake in the ground and said, I'm going to figure out the cause of this, what to do to change it, and get out of this prison that I've been living in.

I'm trying to accommodate everybody else and not trusting myself, not thinking I'm good enough.

And so that's really led me on this mission to reach 10 million women in the next 10 years to overcome self doubt.

Oh, my gosh, I love that.

And thank you for sharing that pivotal moment because I'm guessing so many women that you've talked to, whether it was from the stage or when you've worked with them, that is a very common thread or theme that so many of us have experienced, at least in some part of our lives, correct?

Yes.

Don't be like, we can speak our.

Our own opinion, our own voice.

Like you said, we may not trust ourselves.

So what's the first thing there that you uncovered, whether it was in your own journey or when you worked with other women, about why we don't trust our voice and how do we overcome that?

Yeah, absolutely.

Well, I think the first thing for us all to recognize is that we have been culturally conditioned as women.

Like, there's nothing wrong with you or with me, anybody that's listening to this.

We've been culturally conditioned to accommodate everybody else and sadly to doubt ourselves.

So that's one thing already that just exists as it is.

But that doesn't mean we're powerless.

This is where we've got to look and go, okay, what can I do about this now?

And one of the things for me was to be aware of it in the first place.

Why am I doing this?

What am I so afraid of?

So to make this more tangible, one of the specific exercises that I give people to do is to ask five people that you know and trust and get as much variety of people in your life as you can, like somebody that you worked with, somebody that is in your family, somebody maybe that you do community, community service with, and ask them to give you five positive strengths about yourself.

And one of the reasons why I find this really helpful is that you get a sense of what other people experience you as what they see in you.

And that can help to build that confidence and get into that internal structure that I'm talking about so you can build that internal confidence where you can not necessarily be needing or looking for approval from other people.

So that's one exercise.

Another one that I love is to take the strongest message of doubt that you have about yourself.

So let's say it's who am I to be asking for more money?

Or I'm not good enough.

Could be as simple as that, and say it out loud first and then sing it like a Broadway musical.

And it might sound a little bit weird, but to go, who am I to be getting this promotion?

Suddenly it creates a different meaning.

It tricks your brain so from a neuroscience perspective.

Perspective, it tricks your brain to say, wow, that, that does kind of seem ridiculous.

Right?

When we can have these.

These are just a couple of the exercises that I give my clients to work on their confidence so that they can start building that up.

And the more that we can do this, the more we're going to have so much more.

It'll be so much easier to walk into these rooms or these places where we feel lack of confidence.

It's just gonna get.

It's going to get easier, but it takes intention and it takes work.

That's certainly what it did for me.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, I love those two.

The exercises that they're really simple, but they, like you said, they start kind of building us up and kind of seeing, like, hold on, maybe I viewed myself this way or didn't think I could say something, but now I'm seeing myself in a different light.

So when you ask people, does it matter if they tell you verbally or is it better to have them like, email it or write it down?

Oh, as far as the, the first exercise, the self doubt.

Oh, the.

Oh, either one.

Either one.

I think it's great to have it in writing.

I've had people.

I've done it too, where I text people and ask them and.

But I do think it's really good to compile them.

Yes.

I will tell you, the first time I did this exercise and I've done it a few times, I asked more than five people and of I didn't end up saving the texts.

And then they got lost in the sea of other texts with these friends.

And I wish that I had because there was such beautiful things said that I hadn't even thought of.

And I think it's so fascinating the way other people see us.

And then of course, we get to decide what do we want to take in, what do we want to latch on to and really sew into even more.

So we have more of that fruit.

Oh, absolutely.

And I'm with you.

I keep, you know, like files on my computer and, and actual paper files that are, you know, like your kudos or people the compliments or the, you know, clients you've worked with, you know, what did they say about you that, you know, you want to pull from?

Or some days you're just having one of those days and going and looking at something that was said about you, you know, that someone that you knew or worked with said.

I think it really helps, like you said, build up your confidence or just make it remind you that this moment might be frustrating or hard, but that's not the whole picture of you or how people perceive you, like you said.

Yes.

Well.

And I actually call that something.

I call it a celebration portfolio.

Yes.

I love it.

That's so good.

Yeah.

And I do think that it's really good, just like you said, to reaffirm what people have said.

And also just when you're having a bad day and we have these off days.

And I love how you said that about the moment, because it is so important to remember that feelings can shift so quickly that it's a moment in time and it will likely get better.

Absolutely.

Well, let me ask you, too, when we're talking about trying to build up our confidence so that we will trust our own voices more, do you also tell people that just choose small things to make sure that we're really asking for what we want or we're choosing what we want?

So what do you say about that?

Because I'm guessing it's a buildup.

We build it up so when we use a small muscle or the muscle in a small way, it gets easier over time.

And we want to have the big asks.

Yes, exactly.

And one of those things, one of the tools that I give people, and this was something that worked for me when I was working on speaking up in meetings with things that I knew where my vote might not be popular.

And that was my biggest fear because I was so used to always being the chameleon.

And I grew up as the compliant child doing whatever other people wanted me to be.

And so I carried that into my work life.

So when I was shifting this, what I found really helpful are these three words, here's my vote.

So that made it so much easier because it was direct.

It wasn't shying away or wavering like I used to do a lot.

It was flat out, here's what I think, or here's my vote.

So I really like the here's my vote because I found that a lot of women have enjoyed that tip.

Because it's direct but still diplomatic.

Absolutely.

That that can be a way to start that muscle.

And then I will tell you the first time I did it, I remember this feeling of there was nervousness and.

And.

And then I laughed and I thought, nobody died.

And in fact, I think I was more respected for sharing my opinion versus the wavering that I had done in the past.

Yeah, I think you're right.

I think that's really powerful.

If someone has something that it can always start them off.

One you feel like, hey, I have an anchor.

Right.

I have these three words that start me, no matter what I'm about to share after it.

And then I like that here's my votes making it clear that this is my opinion, my perspective.

It doesn't mean it might be yours and it doesn't mean it has to be the same as yours.

You're kind of setting the stage, if you will, right.

For whatever's going to come, whatever words are coming after that.

So I think that's really great.

And I think having little things like that, little tools or words that you use, I think that also puts you at rest to know that I know what I'm starting with.

Right?

Yes, exactly.

Well, and that's a good reminder of one of my other tips is to speak first at a meeting and or a networking event.

We've all been in those situations where we're on a call or we're in a breakout room at a table and they say, oh well, who wants to start?

Be the one to start because it'll show your leadership.

It will also show your thought leadership when you bring something of value to the table.

And you won't have to be wondering throughout the meeting about, oh, I need to speak up, I need to say something.

You won't have all those anxious thoughts going on of self judgment.

If you get it out of the way right away, then it'll show all these wonderful things around your confidence and then you can contribute more later.

But you've at least gotten that first one out of the way.

Oh, I think that's good because you know, I've seen examples, whether it was on TV or people talking about it where they're at a table of people and you know, they start, the people start saying who they are and they're like a neurosurgeon and like a world leader of the UN and they're like, I'm a stay at home dad or whatever.

But the point is, if you had just started, you wouldn't have been freaked out out about what all these other people's accolades are and their things.

It's like just start because you're going to be your truest self in that moment.

If self doubt something or self confidence is something you're still working on, then obviously hearing everything else, like you said, trying to worry about, oh my gosh, what should I share?

What should I share?

The whole time you're not actually present.

Right, right.

You're not listening, you're not engaging in the same way.

Exactly.

Oh, I love that.

So Good.

So why don't we jump into.

You know, it's related to this, of course, but tell me a little bit about how are women getting stuck?

Or why are we getting stuck on not asking for what we truly want?

And then what can we do to work on that?

Yeah, well, I always start with exactly what you said.

Where are we getting stuck?

Why is it a problem?

And that would be the first question to ask yourself.

And what I have found is that the reason that people don't ask is.

Is because it's vulnerable.

You don't know if people are going to say yes or no.

There's that fear of rejection.

Always possible.

And those things can really trip us up.

I feel like those two things are really at the root of it.

And I remember when I was 18 years old, I sold Mary Kay cosmetics.

And that.

That might feel antiquated for some people listening to this, but I will tell you, it was such a good training ground for me as a young woman, because what I learned is the power of the volume cell.

In other words, they taught us that you needed to get to 50 no's before to expect one.

Yes.

And I will tell you, that has been such good advice for my life, too.

And it's almost like celebrating the nose.

Oh, good.

I eliminated one other person.

Now I'm getting closer.

So I feel like that served me really, really well around this.

This whole idea of, well, what.

What does get in the way?

And if we can get past that and remember that none of this is personal, that then that can free us up to ask in a way that.

Where we're unencumbered by all of this stuff that gets in our way, like the doubt.

Absolutely.

Well, and one question about that is, I also hear women say regularly, or some women that if you ask them, like, what do they want?

You know, what.

What's their dream?

Or what do they want their life to look like?

Any question they often you get an answer.

I don't know.

Right.

What have you found about that?

Is it more because they're not taking the time because we're serving and caring for everyone else, or is it because they're afraid to say it because they don't know if they can make it happen?

I think it's both.

I mean, you're spot on right there.

Absolutely.

And I love the question one of my very first coaches asked me.

What would you want if you weren't afraid to want it?

And I. I love that question.

I think it's such a powerful one to.

To ask.

And I'D say that a lot of people are worried about being disappointed and what, what, what will happen if I'm disappointed or if I don't get what I want?

And I want to encourage everybody to think the opposite.

What will happen when this happens?

When we, when.

When we start having confident expectation around our choices?

That can shift things really?

Well, I mean, obviously there's no guarantees, but I was recently interviewed and asked about what one quality has given me success in business and in life.

And I initially was going to say tenacious, but two other people did that were also being interviewed on this panel.

And it was so funny because I thought, okay, I got to be different.

And I thought, you know what it is?

And it's really true.

Confident expectation.

I expect amazing things to happen to me all the time, and they often do.

And I, you know, I've had people say to me, like, I can't believe you got that thing, or, you know, you just always seem to be in the right place at the right time.

And I'm thinking it's a mindset.

And of course, part of it is God's blessings.

Part of it is being in the right place at the right time.

Part of it is simply showing up.

But I think a huge part of it has been my attitude around that.

And I always encourage people, you got to expect that great things are going to happen, not the opposite.

And both of those have to do with something that hasn't even happened yet.

So we can make this up in our mind.

So why not make up the more fun thing, the more abundant thing?

Oh, absolutely.

It's how it's so true.

Right.

Because it really does come down to mindset and then belief in self.

Right.

Or.

But like belief in self that it could, the.

It could be.

It is a possibility for the future, right?

Yes.

But if you close the door to any possibilities and you're not.

You're not going in to be confident about that.

Hey, this is a.

This really could be for me, right?

Yes.

You might miss it.

Yeah.

Or people won't feel that confidence you're exuding to want you to go and do that, get on that stage, or get the opportunity, you know.

Oh, sorry, go ahead.

Is where I love when, you know, when people say that, well, who am I to be this or that?

I love to encourage that opposite.

Who am I not to be this or that?

And why not me?

And if.

The more we can get that, basically it's advocating for ourselves.

It's so easy to believe in other people, but the one person that we should be the most rallying for and cheering for is ourselves.

Oh, 100%.

And I love, I often talk about, but I know many other people obviously talk about it, you know, Seth Godin and other people.

But pick yourself.

Like, no one is gonna pick you if you don't pick yourself first.

Right.

We have to show up and say, I'm just gonna show up and put the service or the product in the world or the podcaster.

I'm gonna be confident about trying to get this next opportunity.

But if we don't show up to say that, no one's gonna even think about us.

I mean, initially, because we haven't said, hey, look at me, look what I can do.

I have this, you know, this skill.

You know what I mean?

So absolutely.

Yes.

Yeah.

I know one of my other mentor coaches used to say, don't be the best kept secret in your business.

I think that's such a good reminder.

You've got to think it's about being visible.

Another thing that I teach on is self promotion and how often we as women are hesitant to self promote.

And I think it's about the definition and that self promotion is not about being selfish and waving your flag in the air going, look at me, I'm so amazing.

It's really just a matter of making yourself available to the world and letting people know that you exist.

Oh, 100%.

You know, the other thing too, which is basically what we just said, but.

On the mindset is a lot of.

Times I think people get stuck in the.

You sort of mentioned this, but I just say instead they have the what?

They have negative what ifs instead of possibility what ifs.

Right.

Like what if I get laughed at?

Or what if I don't get the job?

And, you know, all you have to do is turn that what if around into it.

But what if I did?

Much like you were sort of alluding to.

And I think that's so powerful because much like your statement or your three words of here's my vote, if you just start off with what if that, what if it worked out?

Instead of what if I messed it up, everything's turned right.

So a lot of times it really is just changing the statement.

You know, if you have a negative statement, you're thinking about yourself, write it down and see if you can replace it with a more true statement that's positive.

Yes.

Oh, so, so powerful.

Yes.

We need to be affirming ourselves more.

Absolutely.

Just, you know, any other tips or thoughts on how we as women continue to try just to be clear communicators and really step up, show up for our lives so that we really can get what we want and we can live our best lives.

Yes.

Well, I'll share one on content, delivering a message, and then one on the vocal component of how you sound.

So with the content piece, one of the things that happens a lot that I see in men and women, frankly, but it's this, how to stop rambling and get to the point where we end up rambling.

And I say this in love because I'm a recovering rambler myself, but noticing first when it happens, when you're getting off of your point, or maybe you didn't even say the point up front, and then the audience maybe doesn't know what you're trying to say.

All you have to do is notice it and then stop, pause, and say out loud.

And my point is this.

It helps you focus.

It helps the audience focus and go, oh, she has a point.

And that will really help you.

You to be clear in your communication.

And then on the vocal side, where a lot of women get tripped up is I see this all the time.

Women misrepresenting themselves, these amazing women, but the way that they speak, they sound tentative, hesitant, and timid.

So remembering to speak with conviction.

And I want to model something called.

That's.

It's called upspeak.

And many people know what this is.

It's simply the slang term for when we say a statement.

Statement with a question mark.

And this happens a lot in our introductions.

So we want to make sure to have that declarative tone.

So you're saying things like you mean it, and you don't look like you're questioning yourself because that can immediately affect your credibility.

So, for example, if I. I'll give a quick modeling of this, doing two introductions of myself.

One would be, hi, I'm Kara Laos, and I'm originally from Minneapolis, but now I live in San Francisco.

Versus option two.

Hi, I'm Karen Laos.

I am originally from Minneapolis, but now I live in San Francisco.

Yeah.

Do you hear the difference?

Yeah, I do.

You said you sounded more confident in the second one.

Yeah.

And all I'm doing is punctuating.

That's what's so fascinating about it.

Yeah.

Most people's introductions become one long run on sentence.

So this is where I highly recommend you record yourself, listen back, hear how you sound.

Do you speak with conviction?

Do you speak tentatively?

And do you have, you know, so like, you have these words that get in the way that take away from that credibility in which case, the ideal scenario would be to pause instead of adding those filler words.

Now, that's a lot easier said than done.

But mostly what I see in women that takes away from their credibility is their lack of conviction in their voice.

So that's why recording is so powerful, because it helps you see and hear.

I mean, see visually, of course, but when talking about the voice, that, that's the thing that goes over every medium.

So it's really important to get that really confident.

And it's simple.

You can do it.

It's not easy, but it's simple.

No, those are both great tips.

I love those.

And you're.

I mean, you're absolutely right.

And the other thing is, is sometimes when you're talking, you know, especially if you're talking to, you know, leaving a message, whether you're doing a promotion, you know, video content or whether you're on a stages, yes, you have to practice it, but you have to be clear on what are the points and what are the takeaways that you're going to get to.

Because I just did a quick little 2 1/2 minute video that'll go on LinkedIn and places tomorrow and it's basically six reasons why X.

Right.

But I had to write down my six reasons, even though I didn't want to keep, I don't want to look at the paper so that I was clear on what was I trying to.

What was my takeaway and what was I trying to communicate because I had written them down.

Right.

I would have been rambling more than being succinct and getting it out, you know, and I wouldn't have sounded as, you know, confident about the content had I not been clear on the six things that I wanted to share with you.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

And you know what it's like when you say six things and then a person forgets one and then the audience is going, where's the sixth?

Right, Exactly.

And that happens.

Right.

So, yeah, I mean, it does.

So.

No, those are great.

Oh my gosh.

Well, I loved you, I loved your story and so much you shared with us about these tips and these takeaways that we can all apply to our lives, both in business and personal lives.

I think it's so important, it's so good.

And I really do think that if we could all just step into more self confidence and understanding that when we show up on our true, as our truest selves, that is really what the world's waiting for.

Right.

That is how we'll be able to do Our best work.

And so I love that you shared this with us today and you came on and joined us.

Karen, can you tell us how can people connect with you and learn about everything you have going on online?

Yes, yes, you can go to my website for it and that is Karen Laos.com that's K A R E N L A O S.com and you can grab your free copy of 9 Words to Avoid and what to say Instead.

So I've been getting a lot of good feedback on that one if you'd like.

And that website will give you all of the places that you can connect.

I'm pretty much on every every social media channel as well.

Oh my gosh.

I love it.

I love that that download.

So I will definitely have to go check that out and I'll share it in the show notes.

So thank you so much for joining us today and I look forward to connecting again soon.

That sounds great.

Likewise.

Take care of.

Oh my gosh.

I loved that conversation with Karen.

So much good info in there.

I hope you took notes and I hope you can apply some of this to your life starting today.

A couple takeaways I want to share with you.

The first is three words you can use to speak.

Your opinion is here's my vote.

The next tip was speak first.

Be the one to start the conversation with something that will remind people that you are a thought leader.

Next, expect amazing things to happen to you.

Have confident expectations around your life and what you want.

Be clear on what it is that you want and then don't ramble, notice it, pause and say, my point is this.

And then lastly, practice your intro and your speaking because we have to punctuate.

We have to have clear statements in pauses.

These things are going to help you so much to be a clear communicator and be confident in asking for what you want.

And don't forget, go and Download Karen's freebie 9 words to avoid and what to say Instead from her website.

I also wanted to let you know if you're ready to make a shift in your life.

If you're somebody that you feel stuck in an area of your life or you're ready to step into something new that feels more aligned for you.

If you're trying to decide what comes next, if you're trying to simplify your life and say no to more hustle and hurry or you're someone that needs a clearer roadmap as they build something, or if you're somebody that's trying to say yes to asking for something in your life.

That could be a raise, that could be a shift in your career.

Then I am booking Unstuck or say yes to your life 1 hour coaching and mentoring sessions.

You can find out all the details on my website.

You can also get my weekly newsletter that'll encourage you and equip you to step in the life you want to step into.

More of what God's calling you into.

So go over to kristenfitch.com whether you want to book an unstuck or ready to shift your life coaching session or whether you just want to join my weekly email newsletter.

Either way, I'd love to work with you.

I'd love to see you and have.

You as part of our community.

So go over there now and join us.

And thanks again for listening in and and if you enjoyed the show, we'd love it if you'd subscribe and leave us a review and rating on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts.

And you can check out freebies and resources we have for you@kristenfitch.com and if you have ideas for the show or guests that you'd like to recommend, I'd love to hear from you.

So DM me on Instagram hristenfitch or you can email me from the website.

Thanks so much.

Until next time, have a great week.