Building Meaningful Friendships: How to Find Your People & Deepen Connections

Hey friends and welcome back.

Welcome to part three of Building Community.

Today we're going to talk about friendship.

How do we make friends as adults and how do we build and nurture and develop deeper friendships with the friends we already have?

Hey friend, are you craving deeper faith, renewed purpose and more joy in your everyday life?

Welcome to Faithfield Woman podcast that helps Christian women grow spiritually, pursue God's calling and embrace the abundant life he has for you.

I'm Kristen, an encourager, mentor, entrepreneur, wife and mom here to uplift, equip and inspire you with faith filled conversations and biblical wisdom.

Subscribe now so you never miss an episode and join our faith fueled community for more encouragement.

And I would first want to start off with sharing a little bit of Find your people by Jenny Allen, which I've referenced and shared a little bit from before.

But she basically starts the book and says, well, we aren't supposed to be this lonely.

And she says, I imagine if you're here, you're here because you feel it too.

This, that sinking feeling that you aren't seen, you aren't known, you are on your own to face whatever difficult thing life is throwing at you.

She says, I get it.

But I'm convinced that feeling, that feeling is rooted in a big fat lie.

A lie that threatens to pull you and me into a dark place unless we can learn how to fight back.

And then she goes on and says she basically has this feeling like I am all alone.

And she says the ache of loneliness is real and it's haunting us.

And she explains that she has this vivid nightmare, right about basically everybody around her, like quitting on her, backstabbing her, all these things.

It's basically like this serious betrayal dream.

And she says, why am I telling you this?

Because on some deep level, being alone is a fear we all share.

Maybe you're experiencing loneliness right now.

Maybe you had people and they quit you.

Or maybe you've never truly had your people.

Or maybe you have them, but even when you're with them, you feel distant and unseen.

Friends, this episode is going to be all about friendship.

How do we develop it and how do we become the people that are brave enough to make new friends?

Okay?

And she said, we don't just want to be seen.

We want to tell a friend or a loved one about our disappointments and hopes and find comfort as well.

We want to be seen and comforted and we want to be safe.

But we aren't always safe.

And let's see if there's anything right here.

I want to share.

Basically, though, it's this.

We need each other, we need people to do life with.

And so I just want to share why it's so important that we keep trying, right?

That we keep going and that we keep putting the effort forth.

All right?

Because as I shared in the past, in this series, in the prior episodes, loneliness, right?

Like keeping loneliness, being more isolated, not having deep, meaningful relationships.

And that can be with just one person or several people, not tons of people.

We do not.

We are not as satisfied or fulfilled in life.

If we don't have people to do life with, we may not live as long, right?

Because it has real health consequences.

And so friendship, community is so important.

It is literally one of the cornerstones of good health.

So mental and physical health.

Because what's in our head, what we think, what we feel impacts our health, it impacts our genes.

Because that it's basically the science of epigenetics, what we think, the environment in our mind, right?

So the more negative, the more down we feel, the more depressed, isolated, alone.

It will actually turn on gene expression versus if we're more positive, we connect with people, we feel fulfilled, we feel seen and heard and loved.

We understand that there's a real connection to God.

When we have those things in our head, most of the time different gene expression is turned on.

And so this matters.

It really does matter for a lifetime and beyond.

And so this is why I want to talk about it.

And it's also because I'll talk to a lot of people and I also have fairly decent size groups, right, of friend groups.

So all different levels of friends, like my closest friends, my good friends, my longest term friends that I don't see very often.

And then I have acquaintance friends and groups.

And then lots of people that we know, right, from sports and the kids growing up, you know, neighbors, that sort of thing.

So I in besides having the podcast and other things.

So I've talked to plenty of people, I talk to plenty of women, women I've just met and then women that I've known for a long time.

And the struggle is real.

A lot of people, men and women.

But I'm going to more speak from the context of women here.

They struggle to have deep, meaningful friendships with other women in their lives.

Now, of course, I have plenty of close friendships, and because I've taught, I just said that.

But I talk to people all the time that do not either.

They had friends and they just kind of went away.

You know, they moved things.

Life, seasons changed, maybe there was a disagreement that they Couldn't get past or didn't know how to get past someone, couldn't forgive someone.

Go.

You can go on and on.

The list is long.

But what I've found is there is a real challenge for people with knowing how to start a friendship, right?

Like, how do you even ask somebody for the first time, much like going out on a date, like, for a friendship, how do you know if this person is a fit to be somebody that you want to hang out with, you know, a little bit?

Because you really won't know if they'll become a close friend until you put in a ton of time and had more experiences with them.

And so I do want to share with you a little bit more of Jenny Allen's book because it really takes effort, but it's so worth it, right, to have friendships.

And so she's saying in the part of her book called Committed, she's saying basically we have to choose inconvenience.

She says, but the challenge before us is deeper than just conflict resolution.

It's choosing to prioritize each other again and again, committing consistent time day in, day out.

Sometimes that means we get hurt, and sometimes it means we're simply inconvenienced.

Throughout history, most people stuck together because they were literally stuck together for the entirety of their lives, no less.

You live in an Italian village of 50 people, get a fight, tough.

You're at the only.

You are the only little Italian grocer owned by the person you're fighting with the next day, picking up carrots, pasta and biscuit cookie thingies.

But these days, too many of us are experts at quitting each other.

And most of us can figure out a way to hide from everyone while we do it.

What I'm calling you, calling you to instead, he says, what Paul was calling us to, what God is calling us to, is a wholly different supernatural mindset that is guarded, supplied, and filled with Christ Jesus.

He is the way we think, relate, speak, reconcile, forgive, and love.

Because we've been given such abundance, we give away our abundance.

This is our story.

This is how we live out the gospel.

And so she then goes and says, we choose to be inconvenienced for the sake of each other.

If you think about it, friendship, all relationships really is a giant inconvenience, at least if we're doing it right.

And the inconvenience chosen again and again changes us, wakes us up, makes us laugh and love and hope and dream.

Yeah, the intertwining my life with other people is inconvenient.

But I'll take that kind of trouble again and again over to ease and to ease an emptiness of trying to go it alone, to leave behind our loneliness and enjoy the reward of community.

We have to keep showing up, keep being vulnerable, keep coming to the table, be together, work together, and share life together over and over again.

Then one day we look up and realize our friendships have grown deep.

So here's what I love.

She then goes on and shares some data, some research on basically what it looks like to grow friendships and the different levels of friendship.

And let's see.

So then I just want to share this little excerpt and then I'll go on and show you, share some of that data.

She says one reason it's so hard to have good friends is that getting something on the calendar takes so much work.

She first, put something regular.

So first put something regular on your calendar.

It takes the work out of this.

Schedule it like I did with my friends in Austin.

Pick the time and place where you all show up.

Second, once you've found your close people, break all the rules on how you spend your time together.

Is it purposely leave the house a mess?

Invite someone to your dinner party an hour early to help you prep, or ask them to stay late and help you clean up.

Leave your laundry out on the couch and ask them to help you fold.

Ask if they'll pick your kids up on their way over.

Borrow the ingredient you forgot instead of running to the store to buy it.

Bother someone to run an errand for you or with you, I should say, stop by someone's house unannounced.

Bring someone a meal without warning.

Ask to borrow clothes for a special event instead of shopping for a new dress.

Ask someone to help you clean your closet.

You get the point.

Okay, so anyways.

She then says that she's.

She shares research from University of Oxford evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar.

He basically looks at the types of people in our lives and they fall into acquaintances.

Casual friends, friends, good friends, and intimate friends.

And he puts numbers to these categories.

So let's take a look at this.

So basically means how much time do we have to invest to take people on these different levels of.

What do you call it?

Levels of friendship.

Okay, let me see if I can find the data.

I'm not seeing it all of a sudden.

Okay.

So it says.

Okay, sorry.

So she said.

Inspired by Dunbar's research, university Kansas professor Jeffrey hall began poking around at the various relational levels.

And he said it took about 50 hours of interaction to move from acquaintance to casual friend.

Guys, 50 hours?

How much time have you spent on a friendship if you're feeling like you don't have many friendships?

50 hours, people.

That's not a small number.

Then it says to move from acquaintance to casual friend was 50.

About 90 hours to move from casual friend to friend and more than 200 hours to qualify as a best friend.

T says this begs the question with the people you consider your most intimate friends.

How many hours have you logged?

That impromptu trip to the mall that lasted a couple hours.

That's 1% of an intimate relationship logged.

Cooking out in your backyard.

That stands an entire summer afternoon.

You've just racked up 3% of a ride or die friendship.

And she says that's a good 25.

Okay.

My guess is that the reason you feel close to certain people is that you have faithfully put in a time together.

Any guesses as to where you find that kind of time?

When we're all too busy for friendships.

Yep.

Meal time while you're prepping, cooking, eating and cleaning up food.

And so you guys, here's the thing.

If you're struggling to have more friendships or any friendships, it takes time.

It takes being intentional, and then it takes asking people to do things.

That can be if your kids are younger, it can be when you're having your child's having a friend over.

Invite the mom to stay and have coffee with you, but get to know the person.

If you've gotten to know somebody already, invite them to do something else or something more.

Maybe you're really excited to try this new workout class or a pottery class.

Invite a few ladies.

Not everybody will say yes, but someone will guess what.

You'll get to know them a little bit better.

Keep asking, keep accepting other people's invitations and keep showing up.

For people like Jenny explains, friendship and relationships take work and they take being inconvenienced, meaning you're going to use your time to commit to spending it with someone else, whether it's what you fully want to do or not.

Because you are developing a relationship, you are deepening a relationship, and it is worth every second you will spend with them.

Now, it's true, sometimes relationships or friendships or your romantic partner, they end.

But we hopefully learned along the way something that we will then use when we develop new relationships.

Sometimes our best friend moves away and we rarely see her.

Well, we're going to need to make other friends, right, that live in proximity.

Because while it's great to have a best friend that lives across the country, they can't drop everything and come over and help Us or watch our sick kid when we have to go somewhere if we cannot cancel.

So.

So we need people we can rely on for everyday life, but also for crisis time.

And so it is so important to put the time in now.

Don't say, I will do it one day when.

I will do it one day when.

When my kids are grown.

I will do it one day when my work isn't so crazy.

I will do it one day when I have more time.

I will do it one day when.

That is not an answer.

You need to start today.

You need to start today to invest in the people around you or to invest in finding new people.

So many of us don't have these deep relationships, and that's okay for now, but we've got to try.

We've got to work at it.

And I would also say to you, this is true with your family relationships.

And let me tell you, I have a girls lunch scheduled for next Sunday.

We scheduled it over a month ago, and it.

It took us about 35 texts to get to that date that all of us.

I think there was nine of us that we were all able to do.

It takes effort.

It takes coordinating.

My siblings and I are planning to get together in April because three of my siblings have birthdays that month.

And with everybody's vacations, it seems that at least two of my siblings have several vacations that month with, like, longer vacations.

And then one of my siblings had something almost every Saturday night.

We have our son's high school soccer, which is during the week and on Friday nights.

So it literally took quite a few texts back and forth.

And we literally can't find a date to get together until April 27th.

And one of my siblings is from out of town.

My point is, one, you have to be proactive.

And it is March, and we cannot get together for about five weeks.

So you have to send the invitation, let's get together.

Let's not let too much time pass.

What works?

Coordinating, right when you can get together.

And then we had to make it happen, right?

We had to all commit to, yes, we will be there that day because this is the only date that worked for everybody.

So that was what friendships take.

Sometimes it's, you know what?

I'm going to skip my skip spin class, so I can go meet you for dinner or I can come help you fold your laundry, or I will come right after spin class in my sweaty, gross clothes.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Like, put in the time, think of people, and don't just have the thought go and take action, right?

Drop something off at a friend's house, right?

It could be just flowers from your backyard, a sweet note, whatever it might be, but it takes being intentional.

I have so many stories about how I have made new friends as an adult and then how other friends have invited a friend into some of our circles and now that person's my friend, maybe not my closest friend because I don't know them well as well.

I haven't clocked all the hours, but it's a new friend.

So how can you make new friends?

How's it.

What's a couple tangible ways?

Well, when my kids were younger, it was connecting with the other moms, right?

Like somebody saying let's all get together and have a play date together.

Moms and kids that was getting to know each other.

It was asking the women in my neighborhood that live near me in proximity who is free and wants to go on a walk weekly.

I send out a text and says, is anybody free to go on a walk tonight?

It's a beautiful 70 degree night and it's now light till seven, so at least one of my girlfriends is able to walk tonight.

Some of them are busy.

So it's the continual ask asking, it's a continual accepting.

And I get it, we're not going to be able to say yes to everything, nor should we.

But we should be intentional with our time.

And I hope that you can look at your calendar, you can look at your schedule and be honest with yourself and say, how much time am I committing to my relationships each week, each month and each year.

And if you look at that calendar and what scheduled is for everyone else and it is for work and for other people's commitments, then you are going to need to write down how would you like that to change?

Because I can promise you relationships and building and strengthening and growing or developing new relationships should be one of your top priorities.

Just like most of us have the goal of deepening our faith, getting the word more, we want to put relationships, having healthy relationships at the top of that list.

And so you need to start saying, am I having quality time with my spouse?

If you're married, am I getting time in with my children?

If you have children, am I making time for friendships, right, to blossom or to deepen?

And if you're not, you need to start deep because like I said, the data is there.

It shows that we're healthier when we have strong friendships.

It shows that we know we have people to count on.

People have know they can count on us.

It's much like Jenny Allen said I shared last episode.

We need to facilitate connection.

We need to keep knocking on doors.

We need to stop putting up boundaries around all our relationships because the in real life relationships are the ones that matter.

Online friendships is fine.

That can be a toxic place.

Most of us when we spend more time there, we're actually more depressed and feel more lonely.

So get off your, you know, scrolling whatever social you're on, step outside, take a walk and invite someone to go with you.

Promise it matters.

It's another way to meet friends.

Is something you've always wanted to do.

Go do it, invite a friend or just meet a new friend there.

You're not going to become best buddies overnight with someone.

If you've wanted to take a cooking class, go sign up.

You wanted to take a paint and sip class, go sign up.

Whether it's yourself or you, invite friends.

Promise.

When you're willing to get vulnerable and do something that you want to do, you don't.

Don't let fear or worry about how people what people think.

If you're by yourself, it makes all the difference.

I have eaten meals by myself when I happen to go out of town for a conference where I don't know anybody.

I was just in D.C.

last week by myself.

I went to event where I didn't know a single person.

You know, I met the people at my table and that sort of thing.

But I still was eating by myself some because I went without a friend or my husband.

And so once again I've gotten comfortable doing things by myself.

But then I'll say to somebody, oh, do you want to go walk with me over to check out this place?

Or I'll meet you back here.

After I went to go explore and walk around for the evening event that night but I've gotten comfortable putting myself out there.

So if you go to a like sign up for the thing by yourself or if you have like good friends, ask who can come.

Either way it's okay.

You can make good things, make new friends through connections of interests, right?

So whether it's you guys like to both go on walks, whether you like music and you're going to a concert, maybe you both have kids with similar ages or maybe you're newly singled or you're both married, whatever it might be, find a commonality and just strike up a conversation with someone.

It's easier than you think.

People actually want to be invited to things.

They want friendships, but they're like you, they are afraid to be the one to initiate and then to be shot down, you guys, it's the same as dating.

It doesn't make it easy, especially maybe as you get older.

I'm married, so I obviously haven't dated in a super long time, right?

Decades.

But it's the same thing.

We have to be willing to put ourselves out there if we're going to meet someone new.

It's the same with relationships.

And we can't expect our current relationships to grow deeper if we don't put in more time.

In other words, what you did in the past with a best friend or a spouse, you can't assume that that's just gonna like be good forever, right?

If we didn't pay any attention to our spouse in the future, because we already did in the past, going to guess that things aren't going to improve.

They're either going to get stagnant or they might actually kind of start falling apart.

Well, it's the same with friendships.

We can still have friendships, but if we want them to deepen, if we want them to become a best friend, we have to keep putting in time.

You know, there might be a season or two where you have to do less or you're going through a difficult time, maybe a diagnosis, but you still have to communicate with each other, right?

Maybe you can't always be in together in person.

So today's episode is all about friendship and it's really about being brave.

It's about putting yourself out there.

It's about investing your time and resources in other people and knowing that you and relationships should be a priority, a top priority in your life.

Because it's people, it's relationships and connections that make our lives better and richer.

Who wants to go through life on our own?

I mean, no one to celebrate with or no one to like just say, like, I'm just struggling.

We need people so we can do life with other people.

And if you are in a intimate relationship, that, that is a wonderful and lovely and good thing.

But it does not necessarily replace same sex friendships.

And I say that because what my husband and I talk about or how deep he'll go on certain topics is not the same as sometimes girlfriends like our talk, right?

Women tend to want to dig into a lot of us, at least things longer.

We want to talk longer out or around something silly.

But we can get really serious.

And deep in my husband and I, right?

He wants to sort of get to the root of something or he just wants to hear it and be like, okay, I heard you.

And so I think most of us need more than one type of relationship, you know what I'm saying?

And so I think if we have the one, it does not exclude that the other one should also, we should also try to develop the other one.

And so until next time, I hope you have a great week.

I hope this three part series has really opened your eyes and given you some more food for thought.

I hope it lets you just have the bravery to open yourself up to deepening relationships, to new relationships, to being parts, part of new communities, to being vulnerable and to know that not I'm sorry, that if you feel alone, if you feel isolated, if you feel, you know, just worn down, you are not alone.

So many of us are struggling with these things.

The way that we get lifted up is by lifting others up.

And the way that we get lifted up is by showing up, show up in the room, show up in church, show up at the event, try something new, extend the invitation, bring something else to somebody, let them know, hey, I saw you or you know, I really saw you had this beautiful color on the other day.

I loved that on you.

You know, I was thinking of you when I saw these flowers that are the same color you were wearing and I decided just to drop them on your porch, whatever it is.

Really what we're talking about is being open hearted and showing up to love our neighbors like we love ourselves, showing up in kindness and showing up to open our homes and our hearts.

So friends, until next time, hope you have a great week and also I would love to hear from you has have these episodes helped you put yourself out there to deepen relationships, to make a new friend in the coming weeks?

I'd love to hear from you.

So drop me a line either at Kristen Fitch on Instagram or you can email me through my website.

Thanks again for listening to the show and if you enjoyed today's episode, we would love it if you could take a minute to leave a rating and review on Apple podcast because it helps our show get discovered by more people.