From Overwhelm to Purpose: How to Fill Your Life with Joy with Dr. Phyllis Hayes-Reams

Hey.

Hey friends.

And welcome back to Faithfield Woman.

This is your host, Kristen.

Today I have a great guest interview for you.

We are going to talk about what are we filling up on.

We're going to talk about stepping into our calling or work that God is telling us it's time for a change.

He's moving us into other another area or other work.

We're going to talk about is it time to quit something?

We're going to talk about where do we get our validation from?

And we're going to talk about do we have community and where are, what are we filling ourselves up with?

So I can't wait to share it with you.

I know you're going to get so much out of it.

Welcome to Faith Fueled Woman, a podcast designed for Christian women eager to deepen their faith and shine God's light in every aspect of their lives.

Each week we'll delve into practical strategies, inspiring stories and biblical wisdom to equip you with the tools you need to navigate life's challenges and grow deeper in your faith.

From finding calm in the chaos, forming deep Christian friendships, to everyday ways to connect with God, we'll cover it all.

Hi, I'm your host Kristen.

I'm an encourager, a faith led entrepreneur, a mom and a wife.

Let's be encouraged in our everyday lives as we let our faith guide us, fuel us and fill us with God's incredible peace, wisdom and joy in our lives.

Hi.

Today on the podcast I want to welcome our guest, Dr.

Phyllis Hayes Reams.

She's a transformational life coach and mentor dedicated to helping high achieving women move from overwhelmed to intentional purpose driven lives.

She's the creator of the Overwhelm to resilient system and Dr.

Phyllis empowers clients to embrace authentic resilience, establish healthy boundaries and reconnect with joy and presence with a compassionate approach.

She guides women to live regret free, balanced lives rooted in self care and aligned priorities so they can thrive both personally and professionally.

She also has, you know, besides being a mom, a wife and a caregiver, she also has 20 years of experience as a geriatric medicine, hospice and palliative medicine physician, mid level leader and ordained minister.

I'm excited for this conversation because Dr.

Phillis and I both align so much in wanting to, well one walking through our own transformations, our changes to stepping into more of what God's calling us into.

We've also experienced what many women are, have or are experiencing which is taking on so many things that we can feel burned out or we can feel Seasons of joylessness or we can just not really know.

How do we balance all of this with a joyful and peaceful heart?

And so we're going to have, I just know, a great conversation and we're going to have so many takeaways for you in this conversation.

So, Dr.

Phils, welcome to the show.

Kristin, thank you so much.

And I am just so honored to be with you today.

And wow.

As I was preparing for the show today, I was like, lord, how do I encapsulate everything that he has revealed?

As you mentioned, I it will be completing 28, almost 29 years in my current position as a full time physician.

Started out with geriatric medicine and worked in the inpatient clinic, skilled nursing facilities, worked with cognitive impairment.

And so I have spent much of my time along with, I did have a stint as a department chair doing home hospice and palliative care.

And that's the part you're like, oh my gosh, how life evolves.

Life changed.

And with that backdrop, I was in a leadership position.

And even though initially that kind of hit, I'll just be honest, it hit the fan trying to guide the department through Covid, yet really, it was just really more a mask for what God was doing.

He had been giving me signals that I was, I was, I was not.

How do I say it?

I gotten off track.

I'll just, I'll just be totally honest.

And I was so caught up and striving and looking for something, I was thirsty for something that I kept adding more onto my plate, thinking that was it.

And really what it was is it was for this search for external validation or quiz.

I said quenching a thirst, feeling a void.

So I kept just adding more and more.

It's almost like you have a plate, you have a taste for something and you grab something off of the, the buffet line and it doesn't, it doesn't feel your, you know, it doesn't meet that taste or fulfill that taste or, or, you know, and then so you go back and get something else from that Buffet line, thinking, that's going to be it.

And you look up and your plate is over full, you're overstuffed, and you're still not full.

Your appetite's still not met those needs.

And so life hit the fan.

God said, enough.

I've been trying to get your attention.

You been ignoring it.

And so as I describe it, I feel like he yanked the cord off of the treadmill.

He pulled that emergency cord off the treadmill.

And to be.

I tried to get out of the van.

I was like, no, we don't need to do it.

But like, no, we should do it.

And so I'm like, okay, if it's going to get done, I have to do it.

And I remember just being so empty.

Like I had poured out all of this energy, and I had never felt that way before, but I kept going.

I just kept going.

And when God pulled that cord, I had to sit down.

I fell hard.

And I remember sitting in this chair just crying.

My, my.

I was just so.

It was just, just a lot of emotions.

But really what it was is exhaustion.

It was, there's no shiny object to chase.

There's, you know, no new project to jump in.

I had to make a decision, you know, did I want to stay there?

And that's not.

My personality is to stay down.

I knew something had to change, and who needed to change was me.

Now, from the outside, people saw this successful physician.

She's a leader in the community.

She's a mom.

You know, her kids are involved with this and that.

You know, I'm a daughter, you know, I'm a wife.

Yet behind the scenes, I was running on fumes, and there just was no more running to do.

So I had to really.

And this was not something that happened overnight, but I knew that something had to change.

I had to change.

And I had to stop trying to be the GPS for my life.

I had to stop trying to fix everything for everybody else and stop suppressing my feelings, stop just sucking things up when disappointments happened, you know, stress eating or as we were, you know, as I said, putting more activities, looking for something new to create excitement about and realizing that I had reached a point where I wasn't really present.

I was going through the motions.

And the hardest, one of the hardest things when you find your yourself at that crossroads is it's Easy to add more.

It's easy to keep going.

But it's scary to stop, because when you stop, you have to start facing a lot of things.

Yes.

And as I said, when you're, you know, you're a person who is easy, everyone comes to you for advice.

It's easy to fix everybody else's.

But when you have to start, as I tell people, I kind of was like a functional artichoke.

The best way to describe it is that you go through trials and tribulations.

You go through stress at work.

You know, this is just sucking it up.

You know, I'm resilient and keep going.

You suck up workplace dramas and traumas.

You absorb and keep going.

Parenting ups and downs.

It's just.

You develop this armor.

And that's where I said, you know, although on one hand, I consider myself a very caring person, yet I had created this wall, those harder artichoke layers.

And that had become my mode of operation.

So I knew that that's not the way I wanted to live my life.

And being a hospice physician, every day I was dealing with people at the end of their life.

And.

And often people think of hospice, they think of people older, Right.

But I've taken care of people in their 20s, in their 30s, in their 40s, in their 50s, and 60s and 70s on up.

And the same mode of operation, just suck it up.

You keep going.

You go to the next patient crisis to crisis, first responder.

And many of us resilient women can relate to that, regardless if you're not doing that line of work.

And as I said, all of that together just hit a point where I said, I don't have joy.

I realized where did it hit me?

One day, I was out in the backyard, Kristen.

And the wind hit my face.

It was crisp.

And all at once, I'm like, I used to love this.

And it actually took me back to when I was a little girl and I would ride my bike.

And I remember the just.

It was so exhilarating going down this incline.

And the wind would hit me in my face.

And that was joy.

Yeah.

And it made me stop and ask myself, when was the last time I had joy?

Even having my children, I worked so hard to get them here.

And I love them to pieces.

I love them.

But even when I looked at that, trying to get pregnant was a achievement I was striving for.

That makes sense because my life, right from the.

The.

The education, everything has been setting goals and going for achievement and get a goal.

But in the midst of that, I Was pregnant with my daughter when I started a master's of public health decree.

That was after I was in my training.

My son I had.

When I was starting seminary is during.

Over these years, God had called me to ministry and my father passed away.

So I did not really, you know, I did not get a chance to fully enjoy those moments.

So now was a time that I had to give in.

One of my pillars is permission, give myself permission to say, lord, I don't have the answer.

Phyllis has to admit she doesn't have the answer.

And to admit that's where I gotten off the first one of the first scriptures that came to my mind.

Kristin was the prodigal son.

And I had felt like, lord, I've somewhere got off.

I've.

I've taken these blessings you've given me, and I've done some good things.

Don't you know, don't give me.

I've done some good things, but I've.

I have started to guide this.

Yes.

Instead of asking you.

And when I started looking back, I can see clearly things he called me to do, that he told me to do that I went to him and asked about doing.

And I also could look at things that I jumped into because Phyllis thought that was what she needed to do.

So that was just a part of that.

And where we are is turning over those reins, which are hard.

I have to keep myself accountable every day to not fall back into that mode of operation.

But I've really dedicated myself to letting God be my gps.

And.

And that's where it's gone through different versions in terms of my focus and.

And him calling me in the midst when again at that crossroads, and he said, phyllis, I called you to use your voice for me.

That's what I called you to do.

Yes.

And he called me to medicine, he called me to ministry.

And I can say, did he really.

I mean, I did some great stuff as a bigger leader.

I'm still a leader of my hospice team.

But getting all into that and as I said, seeing behind the wizard's curtain, you know, middle management, that was a whole nother thing.

I can't tell you that.

He.

He called me to that.

I got lessons out of it.

Yeah.

But he did call me to move into life coaching to help others, to.

To take advantage of me hitting hard and to be able to coach, minister to other women.

That as I, you know, to.

To really sum it up is what I tell a lot of people.

Martyrdom is overrated and underappreciated.

And I think often we as resilient Christian women, you say, and I say the same thing.

We just put a different word.

It's the same thing.

Faith fueled joy is together is that we're more.

And that's really it, that we're more than all of that and getting back to center and to let God guide us versus we having, you know, we taking the reins.

And that doesn't mean that we're still not called to be mothers or sisters or aunts or grandmothers or, you know, wives, sisters, our occupations, you know, working in our churches or the community.

Yet when we refocus on God through Jesus Christ, that's where we can have joy through our faith.

Yes.

And we can put on a different lens.

So then we're living life with intention versus reactivity.

And that's where I was.

I was living in autopilot, on autopilot.

I was reacting to everything around me because I reached a point.

I was edgy.

Praise God for my husband and my family.

Because when you're giving out so much during the day or giving out when you're volunteering and you got too much on your plate, you're dealing on fumes.

So you're.

That your family many times is getting the leftovers.

So that's, that's kind of where, you know what's led me to this point.

Oh my gosh, so much stuff in there.

Thank you for sharing what you've walked through in your journey and, you know, what you've been learning, right, as you're transitioning into, you know, this next chapter and what you're doing more so now, gosh, there's so much for us to talk about, you know, just even what you already shared.

But I guess the first thing that I would say is so I think so many listeners, so many women that I know can relate to so many parts of your story.

We can relate to saying yes.

Right?

Being yes women.

We can relate to trying to just say, you know what, I'll just do it myself or I'll just take care of it.

To being people pleasers.

Even if we don't know we're people pleasers, often we are.

We maybe don't even know that that's a thing or a pattern, you know, because people pleasers doesn't mean you never say no or you do everything, but it means you, you do more than you needed to or maybe you didn't ask for help.

Right?

And so I think a lot of us find ourselves that we're living in some of these patterns.

And so I guess the first question, you know, I would ask you is if, oh, someone is feeling like, you know, yeah, I can relate to this.

What would you say would be the first thing they do?

You know, because I'd say it's time to pause and maybe, you know, start asking yourself some questions, you know, and maybe journaling those questions.

But what would you say is from what you're now observing and you've walked through more of this that you would just want to share with women, you know, maybe encourage them if they're finding themselves exhausted or burned out, they're.

They're not finding joy in their days anymore, you know, what would you say to them?

I think you said it beautifully.

I mean, I think the, the first thing you have to do is just what you said.

The scripture that came to me was Psalm 46, 10 is to be still.

Which is a big step for us women who are used to being on the go, because what we.

We.

And it could be based on narratives, you know, women that are moms or other prominent women.

And a lot of that is from our own misperceptions as children and young women coming behind them because, you know, we.

We're not seeing that behind the scenes.

So we have an idea of, of how we need to be.

And, and in answering your question, I think too, this is my opinion, I think that we don't really dig deep, even to the Proverbs.

31 woman often.

I know growing up, for me, she was the, the main topic for many, what we call Women's Day services and everything else.

And, and us not realizing that.

Yes.

And as for many of us, that's who we are.

But she also had a behind the scenes.

It just wasn't written about how she took a break.

And if you d.

You dig deep, it doesn't mean that she did it all herself.

That.

And so to answer your question, we first need to take the huge step to pause.

We have to.

You actually can get more mileage when you pause.

Otherwise it's not sustainable.

It's just not sustainable.

I have learned that when I pause, I actually can get more done even.

Even during the workday.

I mean, I have found, you know, especially taking on caregiving duties.

I.

I help provide care for a family member in the evenings.

And it's been a challenge because it's.

Be honest, I've been feeling.

Working like a double.

I call it a double shift for.

For about a year and a half now.

And I have created little pauses.

Sometimes we don't pause because we want or we think it has to be this spa day.

Nothing wrong with it.

But for most of us, that's not our reality.

We just, that's not in our language, our thinking is a spa day.

Or you say, okay, well, I'm good.

When I get time, I'll take a break.

You have to build it in throughout the day.

So if it's, you know, sometimes for me before I open my eyes in the morning, because I, you know, do try to rest as I'm providing care yet I try to just, I listen.

For me, I've been listening to the Bible recap just at least to get to accountability, to get some scripture in.

And so I take that 15 minutes to get scripture in, to meditate, as you said to, to make a notation about the scripture.

Then I really, even while I'm doing the things for the morning, I listen to something positive.

I listen to if it's again, additional inspirational or personal growth.

I'm trying to start my day.

So for many women it could be, you know, I really encourage people, if they can get up even 15 minutes before you're going to start, before everybody else gets up, there's something powerful.

Yes.

About that.

Quiet.

And I call it in the garden time.

It's one of the old hymns I love.

I come to the garden alone while the dew is still on the roses.

And, and it's my time to meet with God.

And I do a lot of driving for my job, you know, doing home visits.

So it could be when I'm driving from one point to another.

So for other people, you know, they're women.

You're driving your kids, once you drop your kids off.

What are you listening to?

If it's when you get into work, yes, you did it this early this morning.

But what about when you get into work?

Don't just jump in.

Even if you're working at home, don't just jump in, take a moment.

You know, it's throughout the day we have to encourage ourselves.

And as I said, I've really made my car because sometimes I get pinged by for things.

But again, I try to.

That's my be still time.

And it's just, I used to tell my kids and you know, I think about it now and I think it still holds true.

Now, when they were younger, they're adults now, but when they were younger, I picked them up and I'm running because I used to say my blood pressure would go up between about 5 and 5:30 because I had to go get them picked up.

And if I had a late patient I'm just stressing when I was working in the clinic and even home visits, because it's not like you can just say bye.

You have to, you know, very respectful to leave.

And I'm like driving on two wheels to get them and they're, they're just deep, you know, they're all over the place when you pick them up.

And I used, because we're just all bouncing off and I say, you know what, guys, we need to be quiet because we're all decompensating here.

So I think that we, as women, we, we have to give ourselves, it's just that, permission.

Be still, be it being still.

When you realize something needs to change so God can talk to you.

Yeah.

And having the faith and courage.

God's got you in that silence.

The silence can be scary because we're used to, you know, when we're busy and it's noisy, we don't have to look at ourselves.

We don't have to face those deep down emotions.

But God's got you.

God's got you.

And I think too, as you were mentioning, Kristen is realizing it's okay not to do it alone.

That's why you and I are here.

Because we, we, we are still growing and going through our own journey, yet we can help someone else along to get to where we're at.

And so creating a community, it doesn't have to be big, but finding those other women where you can be safe enough to let your guard down.

Because unfortunately, and I know from personal experience, unfortunately, some of the biggest hurt is women against women.

And a lot of hurt people hurt people.

And I've gone through that.

And so it can make you very distrustful of women and, or afraid of letting your guard down.

But there are, there are Christian women out there who got your back.

Absolutely.

And you, you first have to start with that time with God because you, you, you, you have to do that and then find a coach, find a mentor.

And for me, I call it all coaching.

You know, I was using mentorship, but I'm going to share my experience.

That's just who I am.

And find someone who can walk it with you.

Because I didn't have that necessarily.

And especially, you know, I created it and I had, I've been blessed to have some women who I've been able to confide in, but I didn't always have that, especially, you know, in leadership or, you know, and to be honest, I had to be the one willing to just step out and do it, take the chance and created it.

So that they could feel comfortable, you know.

So, yeah, I mean, yeah, I think I definitely want to dig into some of what you said, but before I do, I just want to share, you know, two ideas with people which, because I find so many women that I like, I said I talk to or work with or friends of mine and they, they struggle to even take pause or a break and even between appointments or they think that they need to do more, that they're not justified in resting.

And so I want to share this quote.

I've shared it before some point in the podcast, but it's by Nicola Jane Hobbs, who's a psychologist.

And she said instead of asking, have you worked hard enough to deserve rest, I've started asking, have I rested enough to do my most loving, meaningful work?

And we don't see it that way.

And there's a pastor, a great sermon I listened to months ago, and his name's Pastor Jason Laird.

But he said the, the rhythm of rest is woven into the fabric, fabric of creation, right?

It is one of the beginning stories in the Bible, right.

Is on the seventh day, God rested.

He literally created the Sabbath.

It's an invitation to us to rest.

It's not supposed to be a bad, hard thing.

It's actually supposed to be where we delight and we rest in the day and, and enjoy our lives.

Most of us are not really doing that on a consistent basis.

And so, you know, I think I just want to point out one is most of us are fitting into a day, one day, what's really meant for multiple days.

And we wonder why we're exhausted.

And I understand there's some seasons where we're going to have more to do than seems humanly possible.

And maybe we really can't remove a lot of stuff.

But then we have to find ways to get renewed.

We have to find ways to get rest.

And of course, one of those is to be renewed in the word.

Another is to ask for help, to get support, to find another way.

For instance, I have friends that I admire them, but they say every night, even if their kids are high schoolers and beyond, you have to make my kids a hot breakfast, you know, every morning and every night.

That's amazing.

Good for you.

I mean, I cook, but like not every day, but to me that's, to me it's like they're holding themselves to the standard and that's wonderful.

But they also work full time jobs and do all these other things, you know, And I just say, yeah, but sometimes there's another way, like do you need to order semi prepared meals one night, or maybe you split it with a girlfriend and you make double one night for her and vice versa.

Right.

There are other ways.

And I think sometimes we just have to expand our thinking to find ways to, like you said, be in community and to put ourselves out there.

Because while I have a lot of really strong female friendships, you are absolutely right.

I talk to women all the time who do not have that or do not have it now or they struggle to, to find these, you know, kind of a safe community of women or friends or whatever.

And so, you know, I would also encourage them like you did, just keep trying.

And you do have to be willing to be a little vulnerable over time as you get to meet new people.

But it takes time.

Just like anything else, it takes investment, right?

Yeah, it really does.

It rocked my world.

Yet one thing I can say, if God had not yanked the cord, as I say, off the treadmill and put me in a place so that I could be more present with her and have that time, it just, you know, I can't even imagine.

But also what struck me was my mom was now, she was much more the fashionista than I was.

She's, you know, from the south, very much known for her hats and everything else.

But one thing that I realized when she passed, those hats are still here.

So I share that because what lives on is the memories.

That's what lives on.

And, and piggybacking on what you said and, and for, for our sisters, our sisters in resilience, I just would ask for them to really go deep.

There's nothing wrong if that gives you joy, because I'm going to tell you, I used to try to fit that scenario years ago.

That didn't last long.

My kids and I, after we come home from gymnastics and other performances and I was just trying to get homework done and get something in them so we would sometimes stop.

I try to get healthy stuff, but you do what you got to do.

But I think that the biggest permission that we have to also give ourselves is, yes, those are important things to do.

Yet we didn't come in this world being mothers, being wives, significant others or sisters or whatever our jobs are.

And God created us each for an individual purpose.

Now along that journey, there are going to be different responsibilities that we're given, yet we cannot.

And this is where I got off.

Right.

I.

My identity and my doing had gotten so intertwined that I had lost track of who Phyllis was called to be.

Absolutely.

And I think that we have to take a close look at that in terms of going to God and saying, lord, what is it?

Who is it that you created me to be?

And I truly believe when you do the work, then you realize that, yes, your kids may or may not appreciate getting on them.

You know, I'm not judging.

I'm just using it as example.

They may appreciate all that.

I mean, I'm really, you know, as a mother of.

I tease my kids.

I call them adulting.

Yeah.

Kids.

When they're fully out on their own, we'll call them adults.

But they're adulting right now.

Or trying.

They're trying, you know, but even with that, I've.

I've really looked at everything, and I truly feel I'm a much better parent.

I'm a much better wife.

I'm a much better physician.

I'm a much better co worker.

I'm a much better caregiver.

And God has just opened my eyes to be very open.

That's just the best way to be in the.

In teaching me vulnerability.

He is open so much.

I'm enjoying the world more.

Yes.

I'm still deal with stress.

I still deal with, okay, I have my own days, Lord.

Okay, how much more can we put on this plate today?

Yet I'm coming from a better place.

And as you said, you know, when my husband says, oh, well, I can do that, I've learned.

It was hard, but I've learned to zip my lips.

And I can hear my mom in my ear going, if he can do it.

Like she, you know, she would tell me years ago, if people are willing to do their part, let them do it.

And I think we have to.

There's a fear, Kristen, sometimes that if we let people.

If other people do it, then it negates our value.

People won't miss us.

We won't have anything else to do.

But that's when we're coming from a validation based versus there's plenty to do.

There's no one to replace us.

You know, even if you leave your job, if you were doing a good job, if you were, you know, your efforts were great.

You were doing the thing.

No one can replace you.

Yeah.

You know, it's like my co workers are like doctor Beams, kind of, what are we going to do?

I said, you're going to be fine.

Right.

I'm going to miss you all.

I'm going to miss having our interactions yet I know you're going to be okay.

And that's been a.

I have to tell you, it's been a journey.

Yeah.

To go from really.

We're Talking about over 30 years of an identity.

Right.

Of medicine.

To go through that mindset change, to separate from us, from that identity, that role.

And so that's where I'm speaking from and talking to our, our sisters is that, you know, take it from someone who is with people who are passing and they're looking back over their lives.

I can tell you they're not saying they wish they cook more.

That's right.

They're not saying they, they wish they did this for their kids or whatever.

You know, I have some that are just remarkable.

They've lived full lives.

Even at a young age, they've lived full lives.

And then I've had other people who say I, you know, maybe I should have taken this up or, you know.

Yeah.

I'll never forget my mom.

It struck me, she said, and she, my mom, I mean, she was very involved in the community, you know, just always helping, you know, very smart.

And she knew she was going before I, I finally caught up there real quick, you know, that things were changing and she wasn't going to get better.

But she said maybe I should have traveled more.

And this is someone who, she would go to Texas and, you know, go down and visit and go to all the graduations of the family merch.

She was like the matriarch, you know, for our, our, our Texas family here on.

She was the west coast matriarch.

Yet what I took from that is maybe I should have done more that I wanted to do because we had traveled, but it was, you know, groups.

Right.

And so I would just say to us that are blessed to still be here.

Yeah.

Life is so fragile and, and as you and I were talking earlier, you know, being here in Southern California, you know, I'm some miles from the fires yet.

It's not like it's far, far, you know, and that could be me and my family.

And I don't take that for granted for a moment.

And, and as I said, life is just so fragile that it's not to be morbid.

It's just the fact that none of us know what tomorrow is going to bring.

So you have to ask yourself, do I need to take on that project?

Do I really need to take on that project?

And.

Which will take me away from doing something else or do I need to let someone else do that?

Just acknowledge.

Yeah, it makes me feel a certain way, but let them do it and let me focus on something else.

You know, like you were mentioning if I can order something or, you know, from a restaurant or whatever.

Yeah, I'm gonna feel a little something about it because I wish I had cooked, but yet that gives me more time.

I mean, for me, that'd be fleeting because I'm like, good, I can go sit down.

Everybody here.

Yeah, there's something to be said for.

That, you know, so it's, you know, so I just wanted to add.

I just pray that it doesn't take the Lord knocking us down for us to realize, to build in proactively.

Like you said, rest so that we can.

We can go the distance.

Because it's a marathon, it's not a sprint.

And you deserve.

We deserve to have joy and to grow into everything and the person that God has created us to be.

Absolutely.

Well, you know, and I'm sure you're familiar being in the line of work, you know the book where it was a blog.

Right.

First.

But the five regrets of the dying, I think it's fibers.

Right.

And one of the top ones is that people wish that they had lived their life for themselves, not others.

And that doesn't mean that you don't have service in giving.

There's.

They're meaning they followed the path they believe they had to instead, of course, correcting at some point and saying, you know what?

I don't want to follow this path anymore.

I want to step into more meaningful work.

Right.

And, you know, and I think if people haven't read that, I've shared it before, you know, and stuff, but on here.

But I think knowing that, that one of people's regrets when we get to the end of our life is, you know what?

I wish I'd done more of the things I wanted to do.

And so we shouldn't wait.

Right.

And we also don't know what we hope will have good health into our later years.

But like my dad, you know, unfortunately, he's early 80s, he has Parkinson's and some, you know, and dementia.

And so he's going through exactly the stuff that you've.

You've walked through and you walk through with a lot of people, you know, and he's.

He's so far had a good life, but right now his body and his mind are failing him, you know, and so the point is people, though, like you said, you.

We can be at any Age, we don't know what's for our brain.

So we shouldn't be waiting, we should embrace, you know, what is it we want.

And I will say this, especially women more than men.

But a lot of women struggle at some point in their lives of not knowing what is it they want, what is it they need in some cases and what do they desire.

And I believe that God puts these things on our heart, right?

We're not talking about saying I want $50 million and I'm never going to give any away, right?

Like we're talking about deep down what are the things.

But if we can't answer those questions, like what are our dreams, what are our desires?

These aren't selfish things.

These are things that help us better.

Align our values and our desires and our gifts with being intentional.

But we can't be intentional if we don't take the time to even know what is it we want.

And that's not selfish.

But I think as women we think that's selfish.

For me to say I want, you know, to have this other legacy or I, I want to have more free time to garden, like that's not selfish, right?

That's.

But we need to be able to name the thing.

And then the other thing I'll share is a question that Emily P.

Freeman, she's a spiritual director, she's a Christian author and recently she shared one of her books is called the Next Right Thing.

And so she talks a lot about like, how do you have discernment for, you know, your next season, your next chapter.

But she says a question to ask yourself is what is mine to do?

Like what is the work for me to do?

And you also need to ask yourself what, what isn't mine to do?

Which is similar to what you, which is do I really need to take on this other project?

Even in volunteering we can fall in the traps.

But I learned long ago not to of saying yes because someone asked me, I remember many years ago when my kids were in elementary, they wanted me to be, you know, asked me would you want to be the PTA president?

And I said no way, not interested.

My husband was a coach for sports for our kids for 18 plus years.

And so he always back then had soccer every night or basketball.

So I want to take on a volunteering job that I was going to have to be gone all the time.

So I said I will take on, you know, coordinating the volunteers, like where I had to email, like I'll take on a different role, but I'm not going to Take on a role that I know wasn't aligned with where I was at or my family was at.

But we have to be, have discernment and know is this mine to do based on my gifts, my what time I have available my season.

And we need to be able to clearly say, no, this is not mine to do.

Right.

But we also have to be bold enough to say, you know what, this next chapter, this is mine to do.

Like you encouraging women, coming alongside them, like we're both doing and working towards doing more of.

And so I would just encourage people, you know, one, you have to get clear on what life you want.

No, you're, you're totally right because I have over the years fallen into being impulsive and that's where I have to like, you know, put myself in check.

Like you were mentioned when people say, oh, you know, can you do this or will you do this?

And the same as you, you know, being the, the booster mom or you know, over this.

And, and, and you know, I had to tell myself, just because you can doesn't mean you should.

And there was a point too, I wanted to be again, as I mentioned earlier, I was looking for, I want it to be, you know, I want it to be in the middle.

I want it to be the sounding board.

I want it to be on the inside, you know.

Yeah.

So if I led the parent group, I was going to be on the inside and, and, and looking, well, it really was looking for that validation.

You know, I, I had jumped into, on a board of directors for a, a non profit.

I would, at one point I was a president of a non profit group.

I was on the board of, on two other boards and it just was, it was, it was crazy, you know, and they're just.

Now I'm very intentional of where I'm volunteering my time and you know, able to say I was so proud of myself today because I just finished being, just transitioning actually this is the first year out as chairman of the board for our Y Association, which I love, I love that work.

And I was able to say, you know, because you go through all these narratives, oh my gosh, well, you know, you just got out of the position.

You should be at every meeting.

You don't want people thinking that you're not being supportive of the, you know, current chair.

You know, we start doing all this stuff.

Yeah.

And, and so I was able to tell them and, you know, and I have a good relationship with everyone, you know, but you start doing all this stuff and I was like, I was able to email and say, you know what?

I'm not going to be there this time.

Thank you.

So of course they're going to understand.

They know what I'm dealing with.

Right.

And I told them, you know what?

I'll be at the next one for sure.

I just, I'm not able to make the schedule adjustments.

And really, what it is, it's okay for things to continue to move forward without Phyllis in the room, and that's where we have to really look deep.

When we're resistant potentially or worried about not being there or letting someone else is, it's okay.

And that made me, once I just went on early enough, made that decision early enough in the week so that to say, I'm not going to be there.

Yeah, hey, I took that off of my plate.

I wasn't wor.

Like, okay, good.

You know, it's really.

It is.

Like you said, it's.

It is a journey.

It's.

It's a journey.

And that's why you and I are here to help women go through that journey.

Because it's.

It's not something you, quote, get over overnight.

It's a whole mindset, spirit set, physical set, all of it together that we have to go through so that it doesn't mean you're not going to have that little voice.

And like I always say, Satan knows our.

Our soft spots.

That's right.

But yet once you are able to make that shift and give yourself permission, it's easier to self correct yourself.

It's.

It's easier to recognize when you're getting ready to go back into that, as I call it, the autopilot.

Yes.

You know, setting.

So.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I.

Yeah.

And I think one of the things that, you know, people listening to this or someone shares it, we have to be clear that what we're doing, what we're thinking, how we're putting maybe others first when we're not maybe deciding.

Right.

We're not being intentional, all that has an impact not just on how we're showing up in our lives, but it actually also can impact, you know, our mindset, but it can impact our physical health.

I think one of the data points I saw, as it said, 80% of autoimmune diseases are women.

And it's most or some part of that is because we tend to suppress our emotions or our feelings in lieu of others.

And because we do tend to do things for other people.

We hold in our truth, if you will, or in our, like, deepest desire and feelings.

And that can be detrimental to us.

Right.

If we do that for years and years and years and years.

And so, once again, this is not just us talking about it like, oh, you know, life's not exactly like I want it.

Like, this is actually serious stuff.

It's not just, like, this conversation.

It.

It really does impact us.

Mind, body, spirit, legacy.

It impacts, you know, eternity, if you will.

Like, what we're doing in the world, how we're showing up.

That's the.

One of the drawbacks of.

In medicine, you know, we diagnose ourselves.

Yeah.

But I.

I knew that something was going on at my niece's graduation from college when my fingertips turned cool.

It was freezing weather.

I was not dressed.

I was dressed for California.

I was not dressed for freezing Georgia.

That's a whole nother story.

But.

But I looked down and ultimately, once I got back, I knew something was going on.

It's called Raynaud's.

It's a circulatory problem.

And I got back and I was diagnosed with scleroderma.

So I knew the first thing that came to my mind is I have been under so much stress that I believe, and even now, and we're talking, I've been.

I mean, I've been so blessed to be able to do as well as I've been doing.

For now, we're talking about 20 years.

But I truly believe that it's stress, it's that caring and that.

That internal battle when we're not.

We're not freeing ourselves.

So I'm a living testimony of.

Of that and agree and support a hundred percent.

Amazing.

Okay, so, Dr.

Phillis, what.

What last words of encouragement would you just want to share with the listeners as we wrap up?

It's never too late.

I am living my best life.

Yes, there's a lot going on, but I just praise God that he yanked me off that treadmill and got my attention so that I could have another chance at approaching life differently.

So it's never too late.

That's the take home message.

It's never too late to put in the work, and it's never too late to take a pause to get with him.

And you're worth it to get a coach, get in a community that can walk it with You.

Absolutely.

Okay, so last question.

And then you can share with us after that how people can connect with you.

So my last question would be, what do you find right now in the season is fueling your.

Your life?

You know, that doesn't.

It can be faith based, but it can be anything.

It can be something that you're doing that's enjoyable or moments of your pause that you're just finding is.

Is really filling you up.

This is what God is revealing.

He is just.

And I feel like I'm getting back to that little girl on that bicycle.

Love it.

And I'm getting.

I'm getting to a place where I can validate Phyllis and that's what I want to pass on.

And.

And yeah, I'm.

That's what's fueling me is the ability that I feel like now I've been able to put work in perspective, family in perspective.

It's a.

It's a daily journey.

Yeah.

But even more important is put Phyllis in perspective.

Put Phyllis so that I can give myself the opportunity just to be all that God has created to me to be so that at that time he calls me on.

It is my prayer that I can say that I did my best.

As Paul said, I fought a good fight and to experience everything.

I love it.

All right, so Dr.

Phil, share with us.

How can people find out more about you, you know, your website and all of that?

So my current website is being refreshed, so I'm really excited about that.

And everything is Dr.

Phyllis hazarims one word.com is the website and my handle on all major platforms is Dr.

Phyllis Hayes reams one word.

And then I'm also on LinkedIn and I'm at the Joy Fueled Resilient Woman podcast on all major platforms, including YouTube and Just Message me.

And I look forward to connecting with everyone more.

Oh, I love it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to join us for sharing your journey and sharing just what God's revealed to you that all of us can learn from and the work you've been doing for close to 30 years in just walking with people, you know, in.

In that their medical journeys, their journeys of their life.

Right.

And leaving behind friends, family, memories and legacy and just what we can learn from that as well.

It's just a beautiful.

It's a wonderful work and I love that you're stepping into this new season.

So thanks for joining us today.

Thank you so much, Kristen.

Absolutely.

As I wrap up today's episode, I.

Just want to share five of the themes that we talk about in today's episode.

I want to share a couple ideas.

With you and a couple quotes as well.

So the first theme that I want.

To talk about briefly is this, is answering this question, what are you filling up on?

And we talked about in this episode that we need to get in the Word.

We need to make sure we're filling.

Up on things that are going to lift us up.

They're going to encourage us.

And I loved this idea.

And it's this.

It says, Mark Batterson says in the book Whisper, although we may never get to the bottom of the Bible, the Bible does get to the bottom of us.

It penetrates the soul and spirit.

It divides joints and marrow, and like a spiritual sonogram, it reveals the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

The Bible comes alive only when we actively obey it.

So I thought that that was just lovely and worth sharing.

But I think it's just so important to remember that we need to keep being renewed.

And we do that by being careful of what we're putting in.

Right?

Our output is determined by our input.

Just like the food that we eat determines, in many cases, the health of our body, so does.

So do the thoughts we think.

But we need to fill our hearts, our souls and our minds with positivity, with scripture, with things that are getting us to grow and learn, because that's how we thrive.

Okay, the next theme that I want to mention is this or question that I want to ask you.

Where are you looking for validation?

Right.

Dr.

Phillis talked to us about that, and I love what PAX Pastor Jason Laird says.

And he says, are we striving?

Are we glorifying, busy?

And are we looking for approval or from accumulation, accomplishments, and accolades?

In other words, where are you looking for your validation?

Is it in what we accumulate?

Is it in our identity that the world assigned to us?

Or our job, you know, or our title of mother, our accomplishments, you know, how much can we achieve?

And in our accolades, you know, what.

What awards are we getting?

What boards are we on, whatever it might be?

But if we find that that's where we're striving, you know, and that's where we're moving towards, then the question is, can we find validation in a different place?

And the place that we're called to find it as Christians is in God, in His Word and who he says we are as children of God, it's.

We never have to do more to be a child of God or to get his love or to get the promises that he is calling us to have.

And so that's just a little reminder.

You know, ask yourself, where am I finding?

Or where am I getting my validation from?

Where am I looking for validation in my life?

And, you know, just write it down, journal about it, or just allow yourself the space to think about that.

And it'll take some time, I think, sometimes, for some of these questions to be answered fully.

Because if we just at that moment, without having shifted our thinking, our perspective at all, we may only be at the surface level.

So that's the second theme that we talked about.

Okay, the next one is rest.

Do you rest enough to do your most meaningful and loving work, as I shared during the episode?

In other words, are you allowing yourself each day to find moments, to pause, moments to rest?

Are you finding that you have at least one day a week to To.

To stop working, to stop toiling and actually rest, to delight in what the Lord has provided, to delight in each other, to delight in him and to delight in the things that you enjoy.

And also to pause the Sabbath is really an invitation to do those things.

It's not an invitation to try to be taken, life to be taken seriously.

And it only be about, let me spend all day studying scripture.

He gave it to us as a day to enjoy everything he's created, everything he's blessed us with.

And so question.

Do you rest enough to do your most meaningful and loving work?

Because, as Dr.

Phyllis said, we are running a marathon, right?

Life is a series of many, many, many days and decades.

It is not a sprint.

And so we have got to do the work to find time for renewal, for rest, for recreation.

You know, as I shared, it is.

Rest is literally woven into creation.

So we are designed, like every other creature, every other thing to rest, right?

Birds do not go 24 hours a day, moving and doing.

They sleep at night.

Right?

Animals sleep.

So that is how we're designed as well.

So ask yourself, do you rest enough?

And also, are you doing more in a day than can be fit into a day or should be fit into a day?

All right, the next scene that I wanted to share is what this is.

The question first, is there something that you need to quit?

And what do I mean by that?

Well, Dr.

Phillis shared how she is transitioning from the work she's been doing for 30 years into this new chapter, this new work.

And here's the thing.

Sometimes we have to quit something good in order to make space for something more or something different.

And Bob Goff in his devotional book called Catching Whimsy Shares a few ideas on this that I wanted to share with you.

He says, the more I quit things that are distractions, the better my life becomes.

And then he says, here's my question for you.

What do you need to quit?

Is it a job or a relationship or a hurt or a grudge?

Sometimes leading means leaving.

Is it your time to quit something you have been hanging on to?

And then he says, I get it.

Quitting something you are good at can be hard.

Don't let your caution get in the way of your obedience.

Keep being strong and courageous.

When you quit, go big.

Oh, my gosh.

How good is that?

Right?

And remember, quitting isn't just meaning that it's something you're doing.

Like, maybe you need to stop.

And I should also say quitting sometimes means pausing it, pausing an activity or volunteering or being on a board.

Or maybe you don't have the time to make dinner every night, right?

Whatever it is.

So we can quit something, but sometimes we just need to pause something for a season.

But remember, it also is.

It's not just about quitting the actual things that take up time in our lives.

Sometimes it's quitting something that's taking up space in our hearts or our minds.

That whole idea that maybe we need to let go of a hurt or a grudge.

We need to find forgiveness so that we can release that stuck thought, that stuck energy, because that's harming us, right?

We have to release those things.

And you can ask God to help you with that.

And through that.

Okay, so that was the next theme that I wanted to share with you.

So let's see.

We talked about rest and quit, validation and filling up.

Okay?

So the last two things that I want to share.

One is about community.

And I liked what Mark Batterson says in Chase the Lion.

He says, we don't get where God wants us to go by ourselves.

If we go alone, we'll get lost somewhere along the way.

And this speaks to the idea that Dr.

Phillis first brought up, which is we all need community, right?

We were actually designed, right?

Humans and actually animals too, but humans, we were designed to live in community, right?

We used to live in tribes and in these whatever caravans, whatever you want to call them.

But we do not do well alone for long periods of time.

We need each other to.

To really thrive.

And as we were talking about aging people that live the longest, one of the several factors is often that they have deep relationships as they age.

You can.

That can be with one person.

It can be with a Community, but just having deep, meaningful relationships.

Okay.

So I think that that's super important is find your tribe, find the community that can support you and encourage you and that you can share real life with and you can share the real, real.

Right?

Like what's going on in your life.

What are your deepest desires?

What are you most afraid of?

You know, we want to share this with God, but we also need people to come alongside us as well.

Okay.

And I want to talk about just the idea a little bit more about identity and just striving or trying to do so much, you know, being a yes woman instead of knowing where.

What is our work to do as Emily P.

Freeman, kind of.

I shared that with you in the episode.

So here's two things I want to share.

This is from.

It's from the Proverbs 31 first five devotional.

It's from October 28th and Kelly Schiffner wrote it.

She said, we search for identity and define ourselves in various ways.

Education, church affiliation, job, family, heritage, social clubs, etc.

But what happens when these things aren't enough or they take over or they're misplaced?

Okay.

She then goes on to say, I was overwhelmed, over scheduled and overworked.

But the exhilaration I experienced after executing each task was a rush like no other.

I wasn't just working.

I was working for God.

I said yes to every ask, stacked up responsibility like trophies, and kept my head down to get the work done.

In fact, working for the master had become my master.

She says, how many of us are at this intersection today?

What crisis of identity have we wrapped up in decorative bows of godly service?

May we know we were created to be daughters of the Most High.

So remember, God is not telling us that even if it's for his glory, that we should do all the things it is that yours to do or is that work for someone else to do?

And so I think that's so important for us to think and ask these questions.

And some of these questions are just one of the many ways that we can start better living intentionally.

We can get clear on what are our desires, what are the wants we want and what needs do we have in our life?

And then understand how do my gifts, my talents, my unique interest, what intersection do they meet at where I can be of service to people, I can show up being grateful, I can have time for pauses and rest, but I can do the work and leave a legacy that God most is calling me into because of how he uniquely made me.

So, friends, I hope you got some tidbits out of this episode today.

I think it was just such a beautiful episode.

And until next time, write these questions down and when you have a minute or two, or when you make a minute or two, ask yourself these questions and then take a little time to answer them.

And I think that you'll find they're very powerful questions and very powerful questions to really, I guess, chew on and let kind of get in your head and think about.

So until next time, I hope you have a beautiful and blessed day.

And I just wanted to let you know if you haven't already participated in our 10 day email challenge to reignite your passion, to find that spark again in your life and to rediscover yourself and truly to find rest.

Rest to find peace, to find more joy in your life, to tap into wonder.

This is the perfect challenge for you.

It's a 10 day challenge you get in your email.

It only takes a couple minutes to read the email and each day you're provided with quotes or scripture and then a journal prompt or exercise to do as you have time.

It only takes a couple minutes each day and it's completely free.

So click the link in the show notes and go join that challenge.

I think it's going to be a powerful 10 days for you if you go take a few minutes each day to be encouraged and to show up for yourself and to deepen your faith and deepen the understanding of all you want to be intentional in your own life moving forward.

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