Replacing Our Codependent Beliefs with God’s Truth and Overcoming Shame with Theresa Boedeker

Hi and welcome back to Faith fueled woman. This is your host Kristen. Today I have a guest on and we are getting real. We're talking about beliefs in lies in shame that's maybe held us back that has allowed us to not see the cut loves us no matter what. And how do we replace that narrative or narratives with God's truth? We're also going to talk about love, and ego and we're going to talk about how do we keep checking in against love is our action or our thoughts or our feelings? Is it out of a place of love or not? So we get honest, we get real and I can't wait to share this episode with you. Hi, beautiful friend and Welcome to Faith fueled woman. I want to ask you, are you ready to accept the invitation we've been given to step into the adventure of pursuing God and what He has for us. I am Kristen. I am an encourager. I'm a Christian, inspirational speaker, author and podcaster I help women grow in their feet purpose in business so they can have lasting legacy and impact in their homes and in the world. If you want to partner with God to design your life, to be less hurried, less stressed, be more excited to feel alive and your purpose and commitment to God and your family. This is the podcasting community for you. I do the AMA podcast, I would like to welcome my guest, Teresa. Bo Decker. She is a wife of over 30 years and a mother of two children. She's a former English instructor, and she's an author, editor, writing coach, blogger and the podcast host of life as it comes. Before I welcome her I would like to just say, I'm really excited for this conversation, because she shares in her podcast and on her blog, you know, both with storytelling and humor, but she shares about overcoming beliefs that we've been stuck in, in mindset. And she talks about stepping out of shame and really understanding God's truth and what He has for us. So I cannot wait to have this conversation because I think we can all relate and we can all use these encouraging words that she's going to share with us today. So welcome, Teresa. Thank you, Kristen. Absolutely be here. Thanks. So what I would love for you to do first is maybe just tell us a little bit more about your, you know, your background and what life's looked like, you know, what you've been working on, and then what you're up to now. Okay, what I think I'd like to do is talk a little bit about my childhood, and then how that affected my adulthood and how I guess I am overcoming that With God's grace and help.

So I grew up in a very, there were six kids, I was the second oldest in a family in a very cultish church. That's, that's what we'll say was very judgmental, very rule based, very.

I wouldn't say I heard much about love or grace. And it was very old testament, there was not a lot of while we believed in Jesus and talked about Jesus, there was a lot of more of the Old Testament. And there were like I said, lots of rules, like you couldn't become a member until you it stopped all these things. And we're living by all these ways. And so that's what I grew up in my parents during that church when I was one. In that, I would say my mom was very much like that rules. And I don't want to disparage my mom in any way. She had her own trauma in childhood. And so I'm not I don't want to leave that was just her background. And that was my background. So we grew up very rule oriented in both the church and the family. And

then also isolated because in our church we weren't supposed to do we were the only true Christians, of course, you know, like how many cults are. And we weren't supposed to really associate with other churches. And when I finished seventh grade, my parents decided to homeschool us. And this was back before there was even homeschool. Nobody knew about it. And there weren't many programs, there was one. And that very that isolated as more to

so that was kind of the background I grew up in very sheltered, quite naive. And thinking that, obviously, when you grew up thinking, you grew up in a church that has a lot of rules, you grew up in a family that has a lot of rules. And that affects your way of how you see God, and how you see yourself. And I knew I remember being a teenager,

I don't know, maybe 16 1718. And I remember thinking,

I did not want to raise my children the same way that I had been raised. And I wasn't sure what was wrong with the way I was raised.

I had no name for it, you know, no definitions your name, but I just knew I didn't want to on I'm married. A wonderful man. He came from a very dysfunctional background too. And both of us just knew we did not want to perpetuate those problems onto our children.

But back then we had,

neither of us had language like her, we didn't even know what I didn't even know the term dysfunction, you

know, language, bird or anything. And so

I remember

in about maybe when I was there, we started realizing God was more love, it wasn't really appreciate our church, but I remember somehow being exposed to it a little bit when my first daughter was very young, and thinking, I want to be an unconditional loving parent. And then slowly realizing, actually, is very interesting, because my daughter really helped me to see God as a loving person, because I had so much love for her. And I thought, Well, how could God be so judgmental, and, you know, mean or whatever, when that's not our natural inclination to our children. And so all these different steps along the way, helped me. And I began to realize, too, that I was believing so many lies about myself, about God,

about, you know, the world or other people and stuff, because of our background, my background, and the Bible talks about renewing your mind and

taking your thoughts captive. And it led me to really think about, okay, identifying the lies I believed,

and replacing them with God's truth. And

so that I could change myself, and renew my mind. And that's kind of the journey I've been on, you know, you get I got older, and I've read some books on dysfunction, oh, there's a term. And you start to be able to label some of these things that just were normal to you. But you, you knew they weren't right, you knew that. That wasn't the way you wanted to live or to raise your kids, but you had no term for it, or definition or somebody saying, you know, that wasn't quite right there.

So that's, that's a little bit of my background. And that, why I became impassioned, more and passionate about identifying lies, replacing them with God's truth.

Because it keeps us so captive, yes. Well, thank you for sharing, you know, that, you know, the quick snapshot of sort of what life looked like as a, you know, when you were young, and then sort of how you started questioning, you know, the way what you were taught when you were young, so that you could reevaluate, right, and then learn and then assess for yourself as you, you know, we're an adult, and then as you matured in your faith, and I think probably everyone can relate with that to some respect, because

I would say most, for the most part, there's always dysfunction in families, right? It's because we all do it the best, we can do it at the time. And it's what we know. Right? And unlike today, where there's the internet, both good and bad, there's so much more information available than when probably you and I were kit little kids, right? I mean, we didn't have I know, for me, you know, there was not the internet when I was little. And so that's the first thing is like you said, now you can search family challenges. And dysfunction is probably one of the first things that comes up, but back then, you know, I remember my mom even telling me, you know, gosh, I would have had to go research something at the library, right. And people, you know, young people that are a little bit younger than us would have never had that experience, right of, I mean, sorry, they could just pull up their smartphone and search it. And so one we're gonna it's a different context in that it wasn't like that back then. Like you said, it was who and the people around you, you know, and what were you being told it wasn't like, you could say, Well, wait, hold on, Mom, look at this other information, right.

And so I think it's important, though, because we all have beliefs

that often are not true. But we believe them to be true, right? Because of experiences that happen to us as a kid. And we just internalize it. And so if we find that there's patterns happening with us, typically their patterns that may be aren't helping us, right, that often that's something we should be looking at, you know, and I don't mean that day that second, but like, maybe start wondering, like, is this? Is this true? And so of course, I can't wait to dig into a little bit of that in this conversation. So I guess the first thing I'd say to you is, I know one of the things you talk about is, you know that you thought you had to be perfect for God's love you and you had to be perfect or appear perfect for other people to give to, to be loved. So tell us a little bit about that. What that looked like and how you worked through to realize that that isn't actually you know, how it works. So we actually should be given love and it's not based on our behavior. Right. And like you said, so many things go back to our childhood, and that that went way, way back to my childhood. I didn't receive the love I

needed as a very, very young child. And my mom was very performance based and very perfectionist herself. And she expected us to be perfect. You know, just be good, be perfect. Don't make a mistake. And I remember I don't think anyone, this is just an example. And sometimes it's hard for us to change till we really identify the lie, just for example, no one I don't know if anyone ever said, Teresa, making a mistake is a sin.

But from a very, very early age, I, you know, I wanted to be the good daughter, I want to be a good Christian, I want to be the, okay. Try and be compliant and all that stuff. And I internalize that making mistake was a sin.

And so I mean, but think about it. A mistake is just how can you learn to play the piano or shoot a basketball or even cook without making a mistake, right? So you can't, and none of us are perfect. And so that, that's just the lie that really tripped me up thinking, Okay, I need to be perfect. And not just not only perfect, but even not make a mistake. And you always hear that first, I remember hearing it growing up, be perfect, like your father was perfect. And so there was that first. So oh, I need to be perfect. And none of us can ever attain that, right. And my I also mistakenly believed Teresa, if you were perfect, then you would have no conflict and life would be smooth going and all these things that kind of the waves of life and nobody would be angry. No one, you know, everything would be smooth. And you look, I mean, look at Jesus is like, he was perfect. And there were people that hated him wanted to kill him, questioning him. I mean, he didn't have a smooth, perfect life. And neither can we. But we think if we can control, right, if I can be perfect, then I can control the reactions of other people. I can control my environment. And I mean, it's such a lie. And I remember reading a book about perfectionism

in my 30s, and thinking, Oh, whoa, I have some of that.

But it was really when I began to realize that was like a rule or a law, or a lie. I really believed and I had to change the lie that.

No, there's no first of all, I'm human. I can't be perfect. Right? Second of all, even if I was perfect, which I can't be, right, my life would be no more smoother, no more less conflict, no more perfect than anyone elses. So

it's like, God always goes back to the motivation. And it's like, those lies are what motivated us.

And if my motivation is I need to be perfect so that I have a smooth life, or I don't disrupt or bother anyone or cause anyone to think badly of me, right? What's my motivation? And so on motivation?

My I need to be perfect. No, no, I can't be perfect. I need to be striving. My motivation needs to be love. Right? That's what God says over and over love of other people in love of myself. And not love of the that I'm not perfect for the that I get love from other people and their praise. essentials be looking to God for my worth and my praise. But yes, I thought I had to earn

love. Because that's how my mom operated very much. You know, if you did the right thing, then suddenly you were loved. And if you didn't Well, okay, then that was withheld. And of course, I thought God was that way when I was young, too. Okay. If I'm going to pray, if he's going to answer my prayer, I probably should have made my bed and then my chores, right and then earned, done all this stuff for God been nearly perfect, so that he will answer my prayer. But God doesn't work that way. Right? He doesn't say, Okay, you didn't make your bed. I'm not going to answer your prayer. He says,

No, he says, I love you no matter what. Yeah. Like you said, it's so much. You know, like, you know, but even beyond, but like being a parent, and like you said, if our kid doesn't do exactly what we want, yes, we might have liked them to do it different, but we still love them, regardless of you know, or are we sure it'd be most most parents would right? So to your point is I agree with you. I think a lot of times once you become a parent, you really do see when people say that

You know, it's much like God is the Father right here like, how could he not love you unconditionally? And it's, once you're a parent, you realize you can feel what they're saying, you know, even more, I think and so that's that's such a good example when you get that earlier. Well, let me ask you so as you started realizing, hmm, some of the things that may be I internalized and believed, aren't true. You know, it sounds like you did some reading and some reflecting. But what truth did you replace it with? I mean, obviously, God's truth that He loves you no matter what not not based on your how perfect you are, or you're exactly that you did everything that looked perfect on paper. So is there anything in particular reserves scripture was just anything that kind of stuck out to you that really helped you kind of flip that? I think one thing that really helped me was really seeing and I read a really good book, I can't think what the name was, but how about about how God is love, and he loves us?

No matter what, right? Mean, and then looking, because it's so easy. If you think we have to earn our love, we can read the same verse and see that versus Oh,

yeah, I see what he's saying, I need to earn this. And then someone else can read the same verse and go, Oh, look how much he loves me. Um, it's kind of how we interpret it. But when I began to really see that everything God does, his whole being is love.

And if we really love our children, or pets, maybe we don't have children, we have a pet or something, we can identify a little bit. And if we can love our pet that much think about how much God even loves us so much more. And he's out there, not waiting for us to trip up, not waiting for us to

finally do the one thing that we need to do. And then he will come to our rescue know, he is willing and able and just loves us so much. He's not placing all these conditions on ourselves or on us, that we place on ourselves, or we place on others. So just, I that was a real breakthrough. I think realizing just how much God loves me, and it's not.

It's not how much humans love me, my worth comes from God, or not humans and humans actions. And if I base my love, or my worth, on humans actions, it goes up, down and nosedive, and up and down. And it's not consistent. So if I base my worth, and my identity on God,

he doesn't change. It's not going up and down. Yeah. Well, yeah, and, you know, definitely talked about identity, right in roles before because a lot of us it's easy to get to. And we're often identified by our roles, and our, whether that's the role of mom or wife, the positions we've held, right, like you've been a teacher. But and that's okay, to a point. The problem is, is as those layers change as the seasons change, we can get so stuck in an identity from you right here. And now that we get caught up in it instead of always going back to what you said, which is, what how does God view us? What is the identity I have in Christ? And what is the worth he sees? For his children not in because it can be hard. And a lot of people have these struggles, right? We change jobs, we lose our job, we get divorced, something happens in our life. And it's hard for us to know how to identify ourselves when we lose these roles or these titles. But if we can get crowded and how God sees us identity we have in in that it won't matter as our roles and identities change, we'll be able to accept it and move on to the next thing a little easier.

Yes, there's so much truth in that. And I remember, we were years ago, a school bus hit our car. And my husband, daughter and I, we were very, very badly injured. I spent four months on my back, I had a broken back and several places. And I couldn't sit. So I had to eat on my back. You know, I couldn't get up all these things. And that was a huge identity crisis for me, just like you said, everything was taken away instantly. I mean, I was like a baby couldn't even get up to turn the light on.

And I just remember thinking, how can anyone love me?

I am not up and I'm not doing because see, that's where I got my identity from. I'm not doing it for God. I'm doing for my family. I'm doing for you know, the students. I'm teaching my job, the church, right.

And suddenly I had no identity. And that was that was very hard time. And I finally had

You know, and here's the thing, we're often harder on ourselves. Because if my friend had been in that situation, I said, Oh, don't worry, no, of course, you're still valuable, you're gonna heal, you're gonna get up and get going. Again, it's no big deal, right? Just relax and rest.

But we often hold ourselves to a higher standard or have different rules or expectations for ourselves. And

it took me a long time to be able to say that to myself. Right? No, see, your identity is not in what you do. And all the roles you play, and God doesn't love you less when you just laying in bed, and all you can do is nothing.

Neither did my husband or my daughter, right? Or my friends they did in my brain. I might have thought they did. But they didn't. I still have worth. Absolutely, you know, and when you said that, what came to me is that I think many of us, especially women, and especially women that have caregiving in some way, right you, they may be in your job, maybe you're a nurse, you're a teacher, you know, whatever it might be, we are used to giving,

it is very hard to be to be the receiver until we learn how to accept that and we learn to allow other people to give us like all of a sudden your family's having to, to give to you and you're having to receive back here in that, like you said, being okay that I can't help the situation I'm in that I can't move my body while it heals. And I have to accept that grace of receiving the gift of them doing for you. And it's hard. I'm still learning that lesson. I think many women are. But I've watched friends go through their son's having, you know, diagnosis and their husbands and all these things and seeing them except help. I've told them I said, you have modeled for me what it looks like to allow right to receive, you know, people helping because that can be hard, right? We all want to and that a lot of us is stems back to our wanting to be the helper be the giver, right? Which is typically from childhood, right? We had some sort of thought in our head. But it's, oh, no, I don't want to ask for help. I want to give, give, give give. But that's another pattern. Right? That's another internalized thinking. So I think when you said that, though, it's it's so true, right? As we also have to learn to accept people helping us or receiving love or receiving whatever it is that maybe we need in a certain time or season our lives.

Yes, it is so important. And that has been a big lesson for me because I was raised to be a giver to be always give, give, give Do do do. And to be selfless, yes. You have no self, you're not important. You give to others. And we can get that can become our identity, see? And yet what is God, God is like,

God is a giver. But for us to even get a little bit of what he's longing to give us we have to be a receiver. And it's hard if you're a giver, to be a receiver. Because we think, oh, we need to do something we need to pay you back or, you know, give just as much as you give us and God's whole thing is give so much more than we deserve. But we have to receive it and believe it. And yes. So

eye opening.

There's really selfish people. And it's all about them, right? And then there's the selfless person. And that's all about

pay. The selfless person is always thinking it's all about you nothing about me. The selfish person is always thinking, it's all about me nothing about you. God wants us in the middle to be

a whole healthy person, where it's about both you and both me. But that also applies to our Christianity and with God, right, because oftentimes, we were way over here. Oh, no, God, I can do it all I can, you know, just work harder and forgive myself and you know, do everything I don't need you except for if I maybe there'll be something big. I'll save everything this year for that one big thing I need, right?

And God's like, no, it's about you. And it's about me, giving and receiving and compromising just like it is in relationships. It's about you and me and giving receiving. Yes, and compromise. And that has been a hard lesson. Yes. receiving and giving and not feeling obligated. And I mean, but God has

so much he wants to give us. Yeah. And all we have to do is just receive it. Oh, so true. Well, yeah, I think when you're saying that I got the visual, you know, kind of like the scale. And to your point is if we always just give, give, give, maybe that's how it goes down, down, down. And if we don't ever fill ourselves back up with whatever that is that we need, right for a time with God, or it's getting help from friends, or then we're going to be so imbalanced to your point, we won't be healthy enough to get to maintain being a giver. Right? And so part of it is that you have to receive some things in order to balance that out. So that you can go and do more of what God really wants you how he wants you to show up in the world.

Yes, and I think Jesus modeled that so much for us. And I don't know why sometimes those of us that are givers think we have no needs and desires or we can't be needy, we see neediness is very negative. But as humans, we are so needy, we need water, we need rest, we need food we need you know, we're just needy people, we need relationship, we need love we need. And there's nothing wrong with that God designed us like that, so that we can help one another and receive from him and receive from other people. But he modeled that so well by, you know, he's sitting there and he's healing people all day. And he goes, nope, everybody's tired. I'm done. Go away. He went and spent time with his father, he would say, Okay, we're moving on. But But Jesus, not everyone in the village was healed. We're moving on. That's right. We've got new tasks. He didn't. Whereas me, I probably would have sat there and just healed people for 10 days straight and exhausted myself, you know?

Do you see what I'm saying?

You have to have to balance.

The two. Your point is Jesus did take time, right to commune with God, they took time to be not in the craps right in the morning or at night, of course, for 40 days. Like, there's so many examples of how he actually did step away. And so to your point, I think it's a good one, which is, once again, you can't be healthy. If you know you're in a position where you're never getting filled back up in the ways you need to, like you said fast nourishment, these things. And actually my dad is he unfortunately, is in rehab, he fractured his pelvis. But my stepmom you know, she's been the primary caregiver for him. He's had Parkinson's for a couple of years. And it's a lot, right. And she's been having she's in very good health, but she's been having one health issue. And I'm sure it's related to the stress of being a caregiver, even though she's trying to take breaks. And she's trying to yesterday, she didn't come to the rehab center. Some of my myself and my siblings went earlier. But she didn't come till 330 or four, because she was trying to handle not only paperwork, but her health stuff, she needed to take a break, because the night two nights before she had gotten barely any sleep, right? So it's adding to that she can't keep showing up and caregiving, if she's not healthy, right, and so healthy with our mindset, like you said, renewing of our minds, showing up and having time with God, but also physically, we have to be in a place where we can do it.

Right? We don't feel bad about taking our taking care of our car and filling up with gas when it gets low and taking it for the oil change and everything. But sometimes we feel bad about taking care of ourselves, you know, and yet, we're so much valid, more valuable than that car and need so much more.

So God wants us to take care of ourselves. Absolutely. Well, in speaking of that, I want to kind of expand that topic just a little bit. I know, you like many people, unfortunately have gone through, you know, season of things are changing, right? I think you have a college student that went off to off to college, and I have similar age children. So I know how that feels. And then I think you've had some loss, as well, unfortunately. But is there anything you would just share about going through these changes these seasons, where sometimes we need to rest or we need to pause so that we can process or we can allow God to do the work, you know, to

allow us to move forward? Because I think a lot of us, especially since pandemic for many, many different reasons have had to deal with loss in some way, right, whether it's people we love or whether it's jobs. And so is there anything you would just share that maybe you've experienced or learned about that season?

Yeah, that's good. We lost we've lost six people, I think in nine years just in my husband's in my family that has been that's been alive, and it doesn't catch up with you right away, of course. And then I was caregiving for his sister. And then she passed and I didn't realize

Sometimes I mean, we're just like a frog in boiling water. We don't realize how I knew I was getting tired. But by the time she had died, I didn't realize how actually exhausted I was. Yeah. And so yes, we go through these times. And so oftentimes we don't give ourselves room to breathe to reflect transition times. Move straight on to the next thing.

And I don't see Jesus doing that. So many times he took transition times and paused. And we need to do the same thing to and acknowledge and say, Okay, that was hard. How can I need to process this? Maybe my emotions, maybe think about what's coming next. Because yeah, my son just left for college. I mean, he was in college, but in town here, and then he just flew to New York. That's Whoa, long ways away, because we live in Missouri. And so suddenly, the house was totally quiet. And he's not coming back. Right for the weekend or anything like that. And yes, that's been hard. And I, there was one day, my husband and I, we were just kind of crappy, kind of griping at each other. Because he just paused and he said, Teresa, I think we're missing Christian, our son, I might say, Yeah, you're right, we need to process this, and give ourselves grace. And give ourselves time to,

we don't often give ourselves time to grieve, but to actually just sit with those feelings and be sad. And here's the thing as a, as humans, we can have two totally different things. So I'm so excited. Things are going so well for him. I love that He has this opportunity. But we can also be sad. He's gonna have happy and sad and they can coexist. And we can we don't want to just process only the happy. Yeah, we also have to process the sad, right? And sometimes we think to that. So I've stepped back from doing some things when I realized how exhausted I was.

And it's not a bad thing. And am I wasting time? No, because God uses every situation, even when we're resting, even when we're think we're doing nothing, right to grow us and to move us and prepare us for the next thing. And that's kind of I'm thinking, Okay, what do I want to do for my next thing? There's some possibilities. I haven't quite figured it out. I enjoy what I'm doing. But I have no, I would also like to do some new things. Yes. So, but I don't want to rush it. And I really give myself grace and not judge myself. Because God's not judging me saying, well, Teresa, now you've had a week off better get going?

Well, and you know, I've talked to several women lately, I will seem like most of us have had things where, or times where we go through these seasons of needing to, like you said, we're going through transitions, but we need to pause, we need a process. We're not sure what's next. And for some of us, because of big changes or loss or whatever it might be.

It can take months, it can take years for some of not not for everything. But so I had one girlfriend, that she's a also she's an author, and she does all this stuff. She's a jazz singer. And she said, I struggled for two years, because since the pandemic, everything was different for her work. But also because she's had a lot of loss, and she had to

process it and let it just kind of take form take shape. And, you know, I think it's, oh, shoot now I'm gonna forget. In the Bible, I can't now I can't think of which woman I was about to talk about. But, you know, I did an episode one time on one of the women's Bible. And you know, it's basically where she's having major periods year or years of waiting for God to position her right for what He's about to call her to. And so we have examples, even in the Bible, of this, of seasons of preparation, seasons of waiting for us in this society, the culture we live in, it's so the expectation is such a fast paced way, but that's not God's way. Right, God's way is much slower than that. And so I think it's good. We talk about these things out loud, because I think some people still don't realize if it takes you weeks or months or years, to get from wherever you're at, and whatever is being processed to the next thing. You know, yes, in the middle, we might have to figure out, you know, how do we make sure we can pay our bills and whatever's going on, but this is people are this is normal. People are going through this. And it's happened for all of time, you know, and I think sometimes we think feels like, oh, goodness, me, like, why can I get together? Right kind of feels like I think, you know, right? I don't think that's the case. No, and it is so normal. And when you were talking it just reminded me of if Jesus was born today. I mean, we would have expect

Did it him preaching already at 12? Right? And what was he doing? He was preparing for 30 years. Yes. To only preach for three I mean to us would say well, Balthazar, ways to, you could have had a million followers by the time you were 12 and then moved on to something else and had such an impressive resume. But that wasn't his purpose was it? That wasn't his goal. That wasn't the way God had planned it. Right.

So, Theresa, let me ask you, what is there anything, you know, as we get closer to the end of this episode, that you just want to share to encourage women in their lives and their walk in faith?

Oh, boy, I just really,

really encourage you to look at okay, when you find yourself doing the same thing over and over, and you think, Okay, why do I do the same thing over and over again, really look at what you believe? What is the rule or the belief slide people call them core beliefs?

What is the motivation for you to keep doing that over and over again, and I,

the best way for me to change was to really identify my core belief, whether it is you know, I need to earn love, or I need to be perfect, or I cannot be needy, because that's selfish. No, it's not. But identifying the core belief, and then replacing it with the truth.

The truth about you as a human, and about your relationship with God, you know, your identity with God.

That has helped me so much, just, and then just remembering that God, if we can just see God through a lens of love,

and realize how much we are loved by Him.

And we can then spread that love to other people and to ourselves, because we need to love ourselves to and love other people and be motivated by love. I asked myself off and Okay, Theresa, like, maybe I'm fearful of something or maybe I don't want to disappoint someone, or maybe all these things that I mean, we're all human desires. Right. And I think, okay, Theresa, is that motivated on love? Yeah. Or is that motivated on? You don't want to look bad? You don't want someone to think badly of you? Or is that motivated by shame? Or is that motivated by fear? What is it motivated by? Right? Because God wants me motivated only by love, love for him? And love for others?

Yeah. And often my motivation

isn't love. So then okay, how can I bring it back? I don't, I need to be able to say no to that person. Not because I think they're gonna think badly of me, but so that maybe I don't have the time so that I'm taking care of myself or I can do my other tasks or, but I needed to be motivated by love to say no, out of love for them, because I'm going to resent it. Because I didn't have the time, love for myself, and love for God, that this isn't a wise use of my time. Or

maybe he hasn't given me that time to do it. But anyway, be motivated by love.

I love that you shared that because I often,

you know, do the same thing. Like normally I'm operating from a perspective of love. But we're all human, as you said, and we have our moments, right? It could be with her husband, maybe we think we're operating out of love with all the sudden we see our behavior, right and realize we're not or usually I have great girlfriends, lots of girlfriends. And usually it's very, like I'm coming from a place from love. But on a rare occasion, right? We all get the little moment of like, well, gosh, I didn't get to go to that like a little FOMO. Or like, did you feel left out? Even though that's what I have to question myself. If I have that little pity party moment and go, hold on. I love these people. I know they mean the best, they want the best for me and vice versa.

Is this spot that's popping in my head from a place of love that I want the best for them? Or is this might be go having a pity party for a second. And as soon as I let myself think that question, I'm able to process it and go, Oh, I'm so happy for them that they get to go have this moment or they you know, whatever it is. And then I can let go that little human right feeling and go That's silly, right? That was silly. It's okay, I can have the feeling but let it go. Because it's not from a place of love had it acted on that little feeling. I wouldn't cause a bigger trouble and riff which wasn't coming from love. And so I love that you shared that because I absolutely find that practice of asking myself that question. Is this thought or is this reaction I have to something coming from a place of love that I want?

The best for everyone involved. And when I asked that question, I can usually get pretty honest about it, basically, you know, and come back to that place of love again.

It does help you put things in perspective to look at it.

And get quick, real quick perspective. Yeah, you know, sometimes we need to do that, you know, because just to keep us from becoming, you know, someone that is stuck in the,

the drama, could become drama. And it's like, no, I don't I don't live that way. And I don't want to live that way. So I think that's very helpful. Well, Tracy, can you tell people how can they connect with you online and learn more about your blog and your podcast and all those things?

Well, I would say just go to Teresa boedeker.com. That's, that's where I mainly am right now is on my blog. I love it. Well, thank you so much for coming on today and joining us and just encouraging women to really, you know, see how God sees them to do the work to really see their worth and their value that comes from God. And just like you said, showing up in our relationships in love, and questioning everything against that truth in that in God's love. So thank you for joining us.

Thank you, Kristen. And thank you for your ministry to help women find joy, and the truth of God. It's so necessary. Thank you. Oh, I'm so glad Theresa joined me today on the podcast. And I'm so glad we got to talk about some real real things we talked to you know so much about letting go of beliefs that aren't aligned with God's truth. And we talked about letting go of shame and really learning how to give aid also received both from others and from God, and that he wants the best for us. And also, making sure we're always bouncing up against is this coming from a place of love, and if it's not helping ourselves, get back there. So I hope you have a great week and I will see you next episode. Thanks again for listening. And if you would like to be encouraged and lifted up, I have a seven day encouragement challenge. If you'd like to sign up go to faith fueled woman.com and just enter your email address and you will be sent seven days of Christian encouragement inspiration to your inbox. Thanks again for listening to faith killed woman. If you enjoyed the show. We would love it if you would share it with a friend. And if you would leave us a rating and review on Apple podcasts because it helps us get discovered while more people will spread more hope in the world. Thanks again for listening in.